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The vet turned to me, his eyes compassionate. “Are you ready?” In one hand, he held the shaved paw of my cat Rocky. In the other was a needle. I looked at Rocky, and to my relief, he seemed serene. Maybe he didn’t know what was happening. Maybe he did. I looked at this animal that had been with me sixteen years and swallowed back tears. “I’m ready.”

This beautiful brown and gray tabby had been sick the past few months. When I took him to the vet weeks earlier, a blood test revealed hyperthyroidism. He also noted that Rocky’s belly seemed enlarged. “I’ll run an x-ray next time,” he said. “Let’s first try medicine.”

Weeks later Rocky wasn’t any better, if anything he seemed worse. That’s when the vet felt his belly again. “He has a large mass in there,” he said. “I’m afraid there’s nothing to be done.”

Part of me was relieved. Lately Rocky had a pattern of being ravenous, but not able to hold anything down. Our sleep was interrupted from the sound of poor Rocky getting sick, sometimes several times a night. He was suffering.

And yet another part didn’t want to accept this. Rocky had been part of my life for almost two decades. I couldn’t imagine saying goodbye.

He was once the smallest of kittens; so tiny he could stand on my outstretched palms. He had had a bad cold that first night and had to be fed with a dropper. I worried he wouldn’t make it and kept him in our bathroom with newspapers on the floor and a tiny cardboard litter box. But he did make it.

Rocky grew into a graceful kitty with plush fur and a luxurious thick tail, which we sensed he was proud of. Several feline lovers pronounced him one of the most beautiful cats they’d seen with his perfectly symmetrical markings and wide, olive green eyes.

Many afternoons he’d sit on my lap while I read, the only lap he sat on in our family. I loved how he rubbed against my ankles as I opened his cat food. I loved how he’d lap up his favorite snack, a dab of butter. I loved how he always found the warmest spot of sun on a cold January morning or the coolest piece of floor in July.

I’d like to report that Rocky was the bravest of beasts, but alas…he was a sissy. At the least sign of danger (like a blue jay flying by), he’d go into full panic and careen under our bed. Over the past few years, poor Rocky never knew what to make of our latest dog – yappy, bossy terrier Libby. But he did his best in the face of this canine typhoon. Rocky’s vulnerability and shyness only made me love him more.

He grew heartbreaking gaunt with time, his luxurious tail thin and mangy. His spine became ridged and jagged. He was stone-deaf and arthritic. Old age had finally caught up to this beautiful kitty.

At the vet, my son Patrick and I watched the needle inserted into Rocky’s vein. The cat showed no distress or pain. All the time I stood in front of him, touching his velvety nose as I’d done so many times before. “I love you,” I said, like he was going far away and in many ways, he was.

A few seconds later Rocky slowly collapsed to the table and was still. His eyes stayed open, but unseeing. Death could not have been more swift or gentle. Yet I didn’t expect the sight to hit me so hard. A minute ago he’d been alive and even purring as I hugged him goodbye. And now he was gone forever. Patrick held me as I cried.

And yes, there are bigger losses in life. You just have to turn on the news or talk to almost anyone. And in the context of those, I know this is a small one. But love is love. And grief is grief. And it all hurts.

A few days later, I was still sniffling over Rocky. Mornings are hardest. I keep seeing him everywhere. “I hope you made it to the other side,” I said out loud, although I wasn’t sure what that even meant.

I took my tea to my bedroom and sat down when I noticed a surprising sight. The Gerber daisy on my bureau had sprouted a beautiful red flower. It had never bloomed before.

For some reason, this flower brought me comfort. Maybe this was the universe’s way of saying the kitty was fine. Rocky had made it.

I so wanted to believe that. But I’ll always miss him.

 

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Comments(58)

  1. It’s so very hard to lose a pet. I’m so very sorry about your loss. He was beautiful.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Teresa, Thanks so much.

  2. Oh, my friend! I know this pain all too well. We can’t bear to let them go and yet we know they’re suffering. At that point it’s about quality of life, and it’s heartbreaking to realize they’re on the downhill slide. I choose to say they’ve “gone to live with God.” Take comfort where you can. That love will always be part of you. Love, Brenda

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Brenda, I love the “gone to live with God.” I feel animals are very pure souls so I wouldn’t be surprised at all.

  3. Yes, there are bigger losses in life, but it is still devastating to lose a beloved pet. I’m sorry for the loss of your Rocky. xo

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Candi, Thanks so much.

    • Sandra

    • 5 years ago

    This is such a difficult thing to endure. Wishing you peace with your memories and knowing Rocky is now happy and chasing butterflies!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Sandra, I love the image of Rocky chasing butterflies!

  4. They always go too soon, don’t they?

    I think I’ve told the story about my sister’s cat’s name here before, haven’t I? She died of feline leukemia right before the vaccine came out. Feline leukemia is incurable, you just keep the cat comfortable and far away from other cats.

    Cindy had started sleeping with me when my sister left for college. I had a tall trundle bed and after the first night that Cindy tried to jump up and didn’t make it, I moved out to the sofabed in the family room.

    I don’t remember exactly how long she lived after her diagnosis, but eventually she got to where she just didn’t seem happy, and my folks made an appointment to take her to the vet the next day.

    That night, though, she curled up on my lap (she had not been a snuggler as a healthy cat but seemed to want to be close to us more as she declined), went to sleep, and then just stopped breathing.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Bonnie, Wow. At least she went where she was happy and comfortable, rather than a vet’s office. Sounds like a blog post to me!

    • Liz

    • 5 years ago

    Sorry for your loss.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Liz, Thanks so much.

  5. So beautiful—I have tears. Sending you big hugs today.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Marcia, Thanks so much.

  6. Oh, Laurie, I feel your pain, having just had our beloved 17-year-old cat Kirby put down earlier this week. There is a real void in our home now that he’s not here; you don’t fully realize the energy their presence emits until they’re no longer physically here. At least a dozen times a day, I walk past the hearth where he would sit for hours, gazing at the fire and soaking up the heat that his bony little body craved in his final months, and just miss him so much. Like you, I choose to believe he’s made it to a better place, and he’s okay. And I wish us both peace in the wake of these losses.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Roxanne, Thanks so much. I’m sorry about your sweet Kirby. You’re right. Animals do emit a sweet energy we don’t realize until they’re gone.

  7. I cried all the way through your lovely post. Our pets are like babies that never grow up so we can cuddle them forever but damn it they just don’t live long enough! I am so sorry for your loss.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Haralee, Thank you. You’re right, pets are like children that never grow up. They always want to cuddle and be close. They’re wonderful companions and leave such a void when they’re gone.

  8. So, so sorry for your loss. This is truly one of the hardest things we have to do as pet owners. They truly do become a part of the family … a part of who we are.

    Hugs to you.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Mona, Thank you so much. They are indeed part of the family and when they’re gone, that’s felt a lot.

  9. Oh Laurie! I certainly feel this pain. I also try to notice little signs of my Louie. Grief is grief. If we didn’t love hard it wouldn’t hurt so much. Sending you hugs and sweet purrs in your dreams to make you smile with happy memories.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Lori, Thanks so much. Your sweet Louie must be so missed. He wasn’t just part of your life, but part of so many others! What a wonderful, special dog.

  10. I’m so sorry. I know this pain well as Chris and I had to go through this with our two cats. One went one year and one the next. Both were lap snugglers, the one I loved the best used to sleep curled around my neck or the top of my head. I still miss her.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Jennifer, They’re such wonderful companions, no wonder we miss them.

  11. What a beautiful post. My condolences on the loss of Rocky. He sounds like he was an amazing pet.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Lydia, Rocky was a sweet kitty. I’ll miss him for a long time.

  12. My heart hurts at these losses, having experienced my own.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Carol, I know you lost your adorable fur baby. How nice you have your two new adorable ones. They will help soothe the loss.

  13. So very sorry for your loss. Pets are such an important part of our families, I’m sure Rocky knew how much he was loved.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Christina, Yes, Rocky did know he was loved. That made things a little easier.

    • Jody

    • 5 years ago

    It’s so hard to say goodbye, even when you know it’s for the best. It’s almost been a year since we lost our Holly. They have so much love to give.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Jody, Sorry for the loss of your little Holly. Yes, even when there’s nowhere else to go, its wrenching to say goodbye.

  14. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that feeling, unfortunately, to watch your little friend pass. You don’t realize how much they mean to you until they are no longer there.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Trudy, They’re our constant companions. So sad to watch them go.

  15. I’m so sorry for your loss… I’ve lost two in the last 4 years – both were elderly and had been with me for over a decade and even though I know they had a good life the worst thing about having a pet in that eventually you have to say goodbye. Thinking of you xx

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Suzie, Thanks so much! Sorry for your two losses.

  16. It is so heartbreaking when you lose a pet. They are a huge part of your family.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Rachael, They are indeed!

  17. Oh my goodness, yes, Laurie – I feel your pain. I still have pictures of my beloved kitty from when I was a girl, right where I can look at them. She was born roughly as Princess Diana walked down the aisle, and I remember thinking, “oh, royal marriages last forever, these two will still be going strong long after my kitty is gone” – she outlived both the royal marriage and Diana herself – I forced that poor cat to watch Diana’s funeral with me, even though she was quite bewildered at what the deal was. She’s been gone over two decades, but i still miss her.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Flossie, You did have your kitty a long time. She sounds like a wonderful companion, and sadly, outlived both the marriage and Diana herself.

    • Donna

    • 5 years ago

    My sweet Sadie passed last September, yiunare right there are bigger losses, but grief is grief and sadness is sadness. I am grateful that sweet little soul sailed through my life…but oh my the pain of losing them.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Donna, They’re so sweet and always there and always loving. I think that’s a presence that’s hard to replicate.

    • Melina

    • 5 years ago

    This is so amazing. You perfectly depicted the pain of losing your best feline friend.
    Reminded me very much of when I lost my Sasha when I was 11 or 12. It was my first loss and, like you, I mourned for days. Even now, she lives on in my memories as a beloved family member and friend <3

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Melina, They do stay in our memories always. I still remember Noel, the dog I had in high school. So glad you have your wonderful little kitty.

  18. Grief over the loss of our pets is so hard, like any grief. I still miss the kitty we lost a year ago. Sorry.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Thank you, Shari. Sorry for your loss as well.

  19. What a tender, beautiful story. And what a dignified and gentle end for your beautiful baby. I wish I had gotten to meet your Rocky. Maybe you can introduce us when we all reach the other side. Because I’m certain our pets wait for us there!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Diane, What a beautiful thought — to think our pets wait for us on the other side. Got a little misty-eyed from that.

  20. Fur babies are so hard to lose. When one dies I swear I will never get another one, but then I do. I remember when my cat died 17 years ago like it was yesterday. And my dog 3 years ago. I want another one. That was until I read this and remembered how hard it is to say goodbye.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Lauren, Its very hard to say goodbye since we love them so, although it’s nice not having my furniture take a daily beating from kitty claws. I tell myself that every time I weaken. Still, I miss him so.

  21. I remember this one as it really hit home.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Carol, Thanks so much.

  22. My longtime kitty didn’t come home one day the last week of this past August. Reading your post brought back sadness and appreciation we feel for our furry friends. Thanks for posting this heartfelt story.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Melinda, So sorry for your kitty! That must be incredibly hard if you don’t know what happened. All my sympathy.

  23. It’s always painful to lose a pet. We lost our Jack quite a few years ago but we still miss him.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Rena, So sorry for the loss of Jack. Its always painful.

  24. I lost my soul dog one month ago. Forever grateful for the joy he brought into my life. Last weekend we adopted a precious dog from our local shelter. He doesn’t replace but is a whole new joy.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Ellen, So sorry for your loss. Hope your new dog brings you equal joy.

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