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You think life is one way, but then realize its not. In fact, its different than you imagined. This happened to me recently when I had lunch with my mother who’s in her 80’s. That’s when I saw I have this whole aging thing wrong and maybe even backwards. Here’s what I discovered…

You never stop growing. Never. Unless you choose to.

“Ready for Ireland?” I asked, as we ate our hamburgers. My Mom has always wanted to see the Emerald Isle, home to her ancestors, and this year we’re going.

I could tell by her face she’s anxious. Flying overseas is not something she does everyday (who does?) but like everything my Mom has faced recently, she put on a brave face.

“I’m ready,” she said. “I can’t let fear stop me.”

I look at her and can’t help but be proud. My mother’s embarking on a new chapter in life. She’s travelling, trying new things, and meeting new people.

But this has come at a cost. She was widowed this year. That was really hard. In fact, the last three years were tough as she fed, clothed, and took care of my ailing father who had Parkinson’s disease.

But a silver lining came with adversity. My mother grew strong. She gained resourcefulness and resilience never tested until her late 70’s and early 80’s.

My parent’s marriage was a loving partnership.  Most major decisions she and my father made together.

And now for the first time, my mother’s on the front lines of her life. She’s calling the shots. She’s navigating alone.

It’s been difficult without the wise council of her husband and best friend of 60 years.  But she’s forging on and with each day, gaining a hard-won independence.

And that fascinates me. When we’re younger we think we’re done at a certain age – done changing, learning, striving, growing. Our job is to sit around and wait for life to grind to a halt.

But I see now that’s wrong. What I never realized is how some of our most intense growth spurts happen later in life.

For the first time, Mom lives alone. Recently she bought her first new car, a sporty gray Honda. Before that, she purchased a bigger, more comfortable bed.

They seem like little things, but to her they were big steps toward a new way of looking at life… and herself.

I can’t help but compare her generation to the young women I know today who lead such different lives.  They have freedom to explore who they are – career-wise, relationships, and sexually – without the pressure of early marriage and motherhood.

This was unheard of in earlier generations.

It fascinates me to see my mother and her friends (most of them widowed) engineer and create their own lives, many for the first time.

And I’ve learned something else…it’s not all knitting and bridge.

One lady in her 80’s is living with her boyfriend. A friend of my mother’s was recently pulled over by a cop for speeding… she’s in her 90’s. These women explore. They see movies, plays, and concerts. They bolster each other up during the tough times. They drink martinis. They laugh. They have fun.

The high priestess of fearless aging has always been my grandmother, Nana. When alive, I couldn’t help compare Nana to a bumblebee who doesn’t know its not supposed to fly… but flies anyway.

Nana didn’t know in her late 80’s she’s not supposed to date, tell off-color jokes and go to rowdy cocktail parties. But she did.

And it’s not all women. Plenty of men reinvent themselves. I know one former hard-driving surgeon who now swears by hot yoga. Another retired pilot has found his passion in poetry.

For most of us, aging is not an easy slide into home plate. It’s hard. And of course, health factors into everything. But it’s different than what I imagined.

As someone about to turn 60, my mother’s journey inspires me. My view of later years keeps expanding, thanks to her.

And okay, life doesn’t really begin at 80. Obviously you have more years behind than ahead. But life doesn’t have to end at 80 either.

And in some cases, like with my mother… you’re just beginning.

 

What are your thoughts on aging? I’d love to hear. Thank you for reading and if you like, please share. Thanks!

Comments(70)

  1. I guess that should give us hope. It’s easy to get lazy and complacent and comfortable, but maybe we shouldn’t.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thanks so much for reading, Nasreen.

    • Sue Broderick

    • 8 years ago

    As always, Laurie, very enjoyable read. So excited for you and your Mom to be heading to Ireland together. Look forward to hearing about your trip. I hope you can keep up with her; she looks lovely.

    May she have many more healthy, happy years!

    Sue

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thank you so much, Sue. I can’t wait to go with her. She’s always wanted to see the home of her ancestors. It should be a very emotional trip. Thanks so much for reading.

        • Claire

        • 6 years ago

        How did d the trip go

          • Laurie Stone

          • 6 years ago

          Claire, The trip was amazing. Very once-in-a-lifetime. My Mom loved it.

    • Lea Sylvestro

    • 8 years ago

    Hi Laurie,

    I’m proud of your mother too. What a great outlook…and as you say, that’s not the way she always has been, so to branch out and overcome fears is that much more admirable. She looks wonderful and your message is as well. I’m so sorry to hear about your father’s passing. It is hard to think of that void for your mom (and you) after 60 years of companionship and love. So hard. Makes my heart ache as I think ahead….XXOO

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Lea, Yes, my Mom has been through a lot, but she’s slowly forging a new life for herself. Thanks so much for reading.

  2. OMG, this is so beautiful. First, I’m very sorry about the passing of your father. I’m sure that was quite difficult for your mom and you.

    Second I love how you write so lovingly about your mother, life and how women can be whoever they choose to be at any stage in life. This post is so inspiring! I’m so glad to read it today. Good for you for writing it. Enjoy Ireland! It’s definitely on my bucket list.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thanks so much, Cathy. I think too many people give up on life too early. I’m glad my Mom isn’t one of them.

  3. I love it! What a wonderful perspective your mother has. It really is all about the person – not the age. I know people who are in their early 60s and sedentary and isolated (by choice); and then I have my grandmother in her 80s who is still grabbing life by the horns. The latter inspires me, reminding me that every day really is a new opportunity.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      So true. As long as we have our health, we really can go as far as we choose.

  4. “Nana didn’t know in her 80’s she’s not supposed to date, tell off-color jokes and go to rowdy cocktail parties.”

    Says who??? Good for your Nana, and good for your Mom, for forging their own paths!

    I’m sorry for your (and her) loss of your dad, but it’s oh-so gratifying to have role models like these when we ourselves are facing the realization that there are more years behind us than ahead.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Roxanne, I’m amazed that learning never stops, not even when we reach ages where we always assume we’re “done.” Thanks for reading.

  5. Hey Laurie,

    This is awesome! I know so many that fear the aging process because, well, we know where it leads. However, we can’t let that fear rule us. I look at aging as an excuse to reinvent myself over and over again. Each decade should change in little way to better myself. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself. 😉 Hope you and your mother enjoy your trip!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thanks so much, Bren. Ireland here we come!

  6. In her 80’s my mom and her friends used to go to biker bars to play cards for money. They not only won money but would bring chicken soup for ailing bikers, baked goodies to eat while playing cards and a far dirtier sense of humor than any biker expected from an 80-year-old grannie.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Hilarious, Jennifer. Your Mom and her friends sound awesome. Thanks for reading!

  7. I am in love with this post! How amazing is your mother? Wonderful and empowering message here. Thanks for sharing!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Rica, I’m amazed at my mother and how she seems to gather power with age. I know she’s one of the lucky ones, but its still so inspiring.

  8. Hey Laurie! Lovely, well-written essay about you and your MOM.

    My parents just took a Viking Cruise through Germany last month and my dad is pushing 90! So glad they are both still alive and kicking, but I also love your line:
    “And now for the first time, my mother’s on the front lines of her life. She’s calling the shots. She’s navigating alone.”
    Like the millennials, I took the “freedom to explore who I was – career-wise, relationships and sexuality – without the pressure of early marriage and motherhood…” in my 20s, 30s and 40s and only married in my 50s. But that doesn’t mean Mike and I don’t take major risks and change everything now and then. At 60 we just totally changed lifestyles, and I’m so glad we did!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Laura, I’m beginning to see how it doesn’t matter what age we’re at. As long as we’re able, learning and growing can always take place. My Mom’s journey has been an eye-opener.

  9. Absolutely LOVE this! Thanks Laurie 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thanks so much for reading, Laurie.

  10. A beautiful blog post about your mom. She sounds like an amazing lady.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thanks so much for reading, Lisa. She is amazing.

  11. This is so lovely! I was just talking to a friend last night about how her mom is turning 80 and all the implications that brings. She was feeling sad and scared. This will give her such hope that her mom still has a full life to live! Perfect timing! 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thanks so much, Karen. As long as health is sound, I believe we can keep going a long time.

  12. Love and happiness. I loved this story. I work with the elderly and see this so much. They are a gift.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thanks so much, Andrea. I agree, we can learn so much from our elders.

  13. I worked for years as a grief counselor and facilitated a spouse loss support group. I was privileged to work with many women like your mother who started second or third chapters after their husband’s died. This post made me smile in imagining your Mom and remembering my past clients.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thanks so much, Sheryl. I’m amazed to see women in their 80’s not only begin again, but live full, vital, exploratory lives. Thank you for reading.

  14. It is inspiring to hear how your mother continues to grow. My mother-in-law is also in her 80s and is quite a firecracker. Life is what you make of it — at any age.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Shari, I’m beginning to see that life is what you make it. As long as health is there, you’re only limited by imagination and spunk. Its been very eye-opening and inspiring to watch my mother in her later years.

  15. My great-grandma always wanted to go to Ellis Island to see where her parents signed in as immigrants from Poland – so she did so at the beautiful age of 92!! My aunt kept trying to get her to sit down in a wheelchair as they strolled around, but instead my GG used it to cart around all the souvenirs she bought. Definitely agree – you’re only as young as you feel!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Amber, Your grandma sounds like a cool lady. Happy she finally got to fulfill a dream. And yes, you’re as young as you feel!

  16. Thanks for the inspiration! I’m in my early 60s, about the age my mother was when she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Her life began a slow decline at that point. My dad died of a heart attack at 65. So I sometimes feel my days are numbered. Your post reminds me that the future holds so much more for me. Thanks for sharing.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Camille, Glad this resonated with you. I’m sorry your parents had later life challenges. My poor Dad didn’t have a healthy old age either, but thankfully, my Mom is going strong. I guess health is everything, plus a good attitude. Thanks for reading.

  17. As Women we are living in uncharted territory. You identified it well. No one to guide us or tell us “No” and with health on our sides, we are among the first in all of history to do what we are doing…. really living past menopause.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Beth, So true. This generation of women — both young and old — are living lives our great grandmothers could’ve only imagined. Such longer lives and so much freedom, compared to them. You’re right. This is uncharted territory.

  18. Laurie, I think this post is a wonderful tribute, not just to your mother but all of us. We are not the same as our grandmothers…happy to sit and knit. We are strong women and we aren’t complacent. We want more and we take the bull by the horns and we go for it! I always thought 70 was old…as I turn 67 this weekend I don’t think that anymore. We are only as old as we let ourselves be. I hope you and your mother have a wonderful trip making memories together. I wish I could do that with mine.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Renee, Happy upcoming birthday! Yes, I thought I’d be wretched at 60, but still feel young. I’m not sure when that “feeling old thing” kicks in, if ever. BTW, my Mom and I had a wonderful time in Ireland. Thanks for reading!

    • Erik Wrikson

    • 7 years ago

    Laurie, This is so true. My Mom died many years ago and my Dad remarried in his mid 70’s to an “older woman”. He lived those later years tonthe fullest and she was a big part of thst. My Dad passed away 8 years ago and now my step mom is 96, still lives alone in the house, drives, and keeps a social calendar I could not keep up with. She goes to the opera, theater, out to lunch, out to dinner, and visits with friends. She even flies by herself. Well, on an airplane of course. Lately we do see those signs of slowing down. It was inevitable, but I realized after seeing my dad and step mom in their later years, there is much to look forward to.

    Erik

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Erik, Isn’t it the truth? Old age is so different than how we expected. Your step-Mom sounds like an amazing woman. Yes, there are people who slow down, but many live full (sometimes fuller) lives than ever. Thank you for reading.

  19. I am aiming to be that 80 something woman…taking chances and enjoying my life…at the beach…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Renee, Sounds like a plan to me!

  20. I loved reading about your mom and her newly active life! My parents are in their 90’s, married 72 years, and my dad just entered Hospice care. So it’s going to be a huge change for my mom when he is gone. At 91, she does well, loves to text with the family and friends to keep in touch, but the unknown of a life without her mate is very frightening to her. Your post is encouraging to me!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Candi, It was tough for my mom, but she’s adjusted well to this new life. So sorry about your dad. Sounds like he and your mom had a beautiful life together. It will be hard when he’s gone, but sounds like she’s getting lots of support, which is key.

  21. ‘If you have your health you have everything’ is an old saying with every year more meaning to me!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Oh yes, Haralee. I can’t think of anything more important.

  22. I always wanted to be the kind of ‘young’ grandmother that could hang out with my teenage grandkids and all of us feel comfortable. Well, so far so good. I’m not saying I wear leggings with midriff-baring tops, but I do have fun! You’re as young as you feel!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Diane, Laughing! I’d bet you’d look cute in midriff-baring tops!

  23. Another great post, Laurie, and I can really relate to this one. My husband and I—60 and 58 respectively—moved into a 55+ community a couple years ago. The people here, many in their 70s and 80s, some in their 90s, are amazing. Active, intelligent, informed, witty, compassionate…the list goes on. I’m glad you’ve highlighted this, and kudos to your mother for being brave enough and strong enough to explore the new life thrust upon her. Again, great post.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Lisa, Thanks so much. I find this older generation inspirational and brave. I know many in their 80’s who are as vital as ever, even if their health isn’t perfect. Truly wonderful.

  24. This is so great! I wish my MIL would do this. Instead, she’s lost interest in most things, can’t be bothered to cook, or do anything much. She and her 92 y.o. sister found their mom’s old diaries from the 40s, all written in Finnish. The sister is translating them. My MIL isn’t interested in even reading them, even though they’re about her everyday life as a young girl. Sad.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Shari, She sounds depressed, which is sad. I wonder if just talking to someone would help, although I’m sure everyone has tried. Beyond that, I’m not sure what you can do. Still, it must be hard to watch.

    • Pam

    • 5 years ago

    I love this story and its beautiful message. Hopefully I will be like this when I grow up!!!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Pam, You and me both!

  25. What a beautiful person! I’m sure there is a statue of your Mom. It stands in front of the Pavilion of Life in Anytown. And has inspired countless women!
    I miss my Mom, who was taken far before she actually left us.
    Thank you for sharing yours with me!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Diane, I’m sorry about your mom. That sounds so sad. Yes, a mom statue should be erected in every town, as a tribute to all the women who raised the citizens!

  26. I love how strong your mom is. My dad died 5 years ago tomorrow and my mom fell apart. She has been circling the drain ever since. It breaks my heart. I basically lost both parents when my dad died. Thanks for sharing your lovely mother with us.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Lauren, So sorry about your mom. The death of a spouse, especially if its sudden, can be traumatic on the one left behind. I wish your mom the best.

      1. Just got devastating news about her today. Looks like will be parent-less soon. I wish she had not smoked for 60 years.

          • Laurie Stone

          • 4 years ago

          Lauren, So very sorry about your mom. All my sympathy to you both…

  27. With technology and modern medicine, we are able to live longer and healthier.
    This means we can have full, active, and happy lives well into old age.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Janeane, I so agree! Look at the amazing women “of a certain age” we see in the news everyday!

  28. How I would love a page out of your Mom’s book! An instruction manual on how to forge ahead on unfamiliar roads. And how to ignore the ‘caution’ and ‘fear-ahead-turn-back’ signs!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Diane, The fear factor gets higher as we age, no question. Forging ahead isn’t always easy, but sometimes necessary.

  29. Great post. I was widowed at 49 and had to transform my life after 24 years of marriage. I can’t imagine doing it at 80 and after 60 years of marriage. What resilience your mother has and you are lucky to have her. My mom was inspiring as well until she passed at 91. It will be 7 years ago this week and I miss her every day. Enjoy every minute with your mom.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Judy, Such beautiful words, thank you. So sorry for the loss of your wonderful mom.

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