I get a cold chill when I hear them. Like someone with post-traumatic stress syndrome, my pulse increases. My stomach tightens. I start feeling light-headed. Did I hear that right? Maybe I got it wrong. But yes, Randy just uttered those frightful words: “I’m going food shopping.” Help me.
I’ve heard other women say the same thing about their husbands and grocery stores. Here are seven reasons Randy going food shopping is like no other life experience…
First, he loves stores – And I mean loves stores. Unlike me, who’s allergic to aisles and shelf talkers, Randy revels in the feeling of selection and variety. He even goes shopping at crowded times I wouldn’t set foot — Saturday afternoons or the day before Christmas Eve. (He would never admit it, but I bet he’d even go on Black Friday if I weren’t there to give him a look of horror).
He takes….his…time – Where I turn into a cranky four year-old in supermarkets, Randy loves to leisurely meander up and down every inch of the store. I can’t get out fast enough. So that’s why I’m amazed when his “quick trip to the market” turns into an all-day event. Where is he, I ask after the first hour, and then the fourth, and fifth? Did he get lost? Is he still in the country?
The return – Finally, after what feels like millennia, his car pulls into the garage. Phew. Maybe he didn’t go too crazy, I pray. But then I get that call or text. Can I help carry? My stomach tightens. Help carry? He said he was getting four items. Why this sudden need for forklifts and back hoe’s? What in God’s name is in that trunk? A funny feeling begins as I approach the garage.
The reveal…Randy proudly opens the back end and that’s when I stifle a scream. Fifty white plastic bags are piled in. They barely fit, each crammed with every possible store item from laundry detergent to a side of beef. “There’s more in the back seat,” he says casually. “Oh, and the front too.” What did this man do, agree to cater the Super Bowl?
The “Bulk and Bargain” brigade — We finally bring in all the bags and Randy starts unpacking. This is his favorite part, but my most challenging. Randy can’t resist a bargain – and the more volume the better. But really…five cans of Pringles? Three large bricks of cheddar cheese? Two bags of croissants? (How fast can we eat these?) Two dozen bagels? Twelve apples? Two bunches of bananas? It goes on and on… and on.
Putting it away – After an hour, we finally put all eight hundred items to rest. But it’s like one of those Japanese subway videos where riders have to be squeezed in by security guards. Our cupboards are straining. The fridge is like an overcrowded elevator, jars and containers and bottles jockeying to get off on the 31st floor.
The pride – Finally, everything is miraculously put away. And that’s when Randy feels his winner’s glow. He raises his arms in the air like a prizefighter. He did it. Like much of what my husband does in life, shopping is improvised. There’s no list. He’s proud of his ingenuity (even if we won’t need food for seven months).
But there’s something else…
Among the packages of sun-dried tomatoes and chocolate-covered Oreos, there’s always another item, one he brings home, guaranteed to soften the grumpiest of hearts.
Sometimes they’re red roses. Sometimes they’re pink tulips. Sometimes they’re big yellow sunflowers. Sometimes they’re all three (if there was a sale) and I search for the biggest vase I can find. But the thought is there. He’s been doing this since we were newlyweds.
Thank God, Randy doesn’t shop all the time. I don’t think the storage in our kitchen could take it. I’ve even developed an “anti-list” system. As he’s going out the door, I’ll remind him of what we don’t need — another dozen canned soups or twelve-packs of dill-flavored crackers. We’re fine, I tell him.
Eventually, we go back to our usual shopping routine…getting it all delivered in normal, practical amounts.
Still, every few months, I sense another storm coming. Randy gets that gleam in his eye and I know to prepare for landfall.
“I’m going food shopping,” he’ll say. I sigh. Get out the forklift.
Does your significant other love to shop? Comments are always welcome and if you’d like, please share.
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Diane
I just can’t express how much I love this post!
There are just the two of us here. Two. Unless you count Pandy. (SHE certainly does…)
And still, the bulk and ‘it was on sale!’ food arrives.
We now have three freezers and two fridges, all of which are constantly groaning with produce.
Someone stop this man!!!
Laurie Stone
Diane, Laughing. I swear we have the same husband (he just commutes back and forth).
Rebecca Forstadt Olkowski
I can relate to that. My late boyfriend would spend hours in the store also. He’d often come back with stuff I didn’t want like big hunks of meat and junk food when I was trying to eat more vegetables. Luckily, our apartment had limited storage but he really filled up the refrigerator and then wondered why some stuff would rot when it got stuffed to the back and forgotten. Nice that Randy brings flowers. That’s always fun. They aren’t fattening either. LOL
Laurie Stone
Rebecca, Sounds like lots of man like to over-shop. Maybe it’s in their DNA, to ‘provide’ with a capital P.
Carol Cassara
I have one word for you: INSTACART.
Laurie Stone
Carol, We use delivery services all the time, especially since Covid. Randy loves Instacart! I have to admit, its a great service.
Meryl
Love this! I have trained my guy, but he does overbuy, but not by that much! When growing up we had a basement, and one side was lined with shelves my Mom filled with canned foods and non-perishables like paper towels. She didn’t need to buy anything for at least a year, I am sure, and when she moved a lot of the stuff was tossed – expiration dates were years – YEARS – passed.
Laurie Stone
Meryl, That’s probably how Randy would live if I wasn’t so “hate to waste anything.” I can’t imagine the racks of storage we’d have in our basement.
Diane
How grateful I am now for Husby’s shopping ways. And a well-stocked larder.
He hasn’t been able to go out for many days (something I didn’t think he could do!) and we are still just fine.
Praise God for a wonderful ‘shopper’ husband!
Laurie Stone
Diane, Hope your husband’s doing well after surgery. So sorry to hear that. I’m sure it puts everything — even shopping — in perspective.
Doreen McGettigan
Lol My husband never shops, he hates it but now, during this pandemic because I’m compromised he’s become a caveman hunter. He also does not have a plan, no list and have come back with 5 packs of hotdogs and a box of rice.
I have to laugh.
Laurie Stone
Doreen, Laughing. Five packs of hotdogs and a box of rice? There’s a certain practical economy to that. Think what he could do with a list!
river
I had four children (well I’ve still got four children but they’re grown now) and 12 apples plus two bunches of bananas wouldn’t have lasted three days. We used to buy most fruits in three or five kilo bags and potatoes in the 40 pound sacks so they’d at least last the fortnight. Hubby only got paid fortnightly, so we had to shop big.
Laurie Stone
River, Imagine all that for two people! It gets crazy. I remember when my sons were teenagers and had all their friends over. Oh my God. They could go through three bags of groceries in half an hour.
Rian
Great post! DH and I are retired, but we both do the grocery shopping. I don’t tend to buy more than what we need for the week… and only fresh, not much canned or frozen. Our refrig, freezer, and pantry is generally half empty. I do most of the cooking, but I never buy in bulk. DH specifically buys for the cats (our 3 and the neighborhood ferals). Sometimes he spends more on the cats than I do on our groceries…
Laurie Stone
Rian, Laughing about DH spending more on the cats. He sounds like a very generous man and a true animal lover!
Jennifer
I abhor shopping. I’m the person who knows exactly what I’m looking for and beelines right to it. My husband does all of our grocery shopping. He’s the chef, so it’s his job. But unlike Randy, he likes to buy just what he currently needs. So he ends up in a grocery store 3 or more times per week. He even buys bottles of wine one at a time and I think that’s just ridiculous. Why go back 3 or more times a week to keep me in wine? LOL
Laurie Stone
Jennifer, Always envious that your husband cooks, but my son Paul cooks so I can’t complain. Sounds like your husband has a very European way of shopping, just buy what you need when its fresh. Love that.
Diane
I SO love this post. And I love your Husby. He reminds me of someone. Oh right . . . MY Husby! 😉
Laurie Stone
Diane, I swear we live in parallel universes.
Judy Freedman
My late husband used to do the shopping all the time when my kids were young. He was a great shopper. I missed his cooking and shopping after he passed. So I would say, cherish your husband and all the food he buys.
Laurie Stone
Judy, So sorry for your loss and your wonderful perspective. I will look at this “problem” differently next time.
Maureen Fitzgerald
Oh my gosh – I can so relate!!! My husband goes into the grocery store for two items and comes home with eight bags.
Laurie Stone
Maureen, Laughing. So glad I’m not alone!
1010ParkPlace
Oh, I love you!! You and I are alike about grocery shopping. I’d almost rather starve than go to the grocery store. When Randy opens the trunk… Are you in stitches, laughing so hard? Are you biting your tongue? You’re a good woman, Laurie Stone! xoxox, B
Laurie Stone
Brenda, I’m biting my tongue big-time! I know he’s trying to be helpful, but… Glad to hear we’re sisters in arms!
Rebecca Forstadt Olkowski
I can imagine your fridge must get stuffed. I try to go out everyday and just get what we need that’s healthy. He goes out and buys all sorts of junk food and then complains he can’t find anything in the fridge. He almost always gets something I already bought.
Laurie Stone
Rebecca, Yes, learning each other’s “shopping styles” is an interesting facet of a relationship. Never realized that till I was married.
Lorna
Mine likes what he likes. Gadgets, books, and food. We are basically the same. But anything other than that, it’s like I have 5 minutes and 38 seconds starting now.
We buy food in bulk, mostly hot sauce. Which he can have.
Laurie Stone
Lorna, I wouldn’t mind the speeded trip through the grocery store, that’s how I do it most days anyway!
Flossie McCowald
This is too funny! We (my husband and I) are each parts of Randy. We go to the store way too often in our house, partly because we share the cooking. My hubby gets exactly what’s on his list, small batches, top quality. I, on the other hand, try to NOT go grocery shopping much – because I know that when I do, I will meander like Randy does and buy way too much in bulk of whatever’s on sale lol!
Laurie Stone
Flossie, Yes, it sounds like you and your husband are a reversal of me and Randy! As long as both people aren’t avid, big bulk shoppers, there’s a chance.
Rachael Stray
My husband and I sound similar to you guys. He loves to shop like on Christmas Eve for presents while just the thought gives me chills – I worked in retail for 7 years I NEVER go shopping on Christmas Eve! I also detest food shopping it’s the worst chore of the week. I’m doing it solo this week ahead of his parents visiting us for Easter weekend and I’m dreading it!
Laurie Stone
Rachael, I’m the same way. Hate shopping so I will send Randy on the most teeth-clenching, awful missions. Thank God he loves it.
Trudy
I love that he likes to go shopping! I wonder if he has recipes in mind that he’d like to cook or is making suggestions for you to cook. e must be filling some inner need. Too funny and very sweet.
Laurie Stone
Trudy, Randy is a collector more than anything. He loves the thrill of the chase and the satisfaction of bringing it all home. I wish he cooked and since I hardly cook (except the most basic stuff), we turn to our talented youngest son who still lives at home and loves to cook! Hallelujah.
Diane
I would swear that our husbys were brothers in another life. Even down to the bulging cupboards/refrigerator and bouquet of flowers.
When we were much younger with six kids of our own and me running a dayhome on the side, his shopping for the groceries was a necessity.
Plus, he liked it.
And me? Well, let’s just say that meandering down an aisle of foodstuffs ranks just slightly ahead of cleaning out the litter box.
I was grateful for the excuse of ‘we don’t have seatbelts for everyone’.
He still likes it. I still hate it.
Thus, even as an empty nester, I’m still finding a place to put that 50-pound sack of potatoes. And those two (gallon) jars of Miracle Whip.
No wonder I invite at least one of our kids and their families over for supper every. Single. Night!
Laurie Stone
Diane, So funny. Yes, I think our husbands must have been brothers in a past life! I can’t believe you had six children! Thank God your husband was a willing shopper. I’m sure that helped a lot… even if over time, those same “must buy bulk” habits have stuck.
Joy Page Manuel
“Is he still in the country?”—LOL! What is it, Laurie, about husbands? Mine never sticks to the list too, although he’s probably not as ‘eager’ as your hubby…well, unless it’s Home Depot or Lowes. :-(((((
Laurie Stone
Joy, Sounds like our husbands are similar, although maybe in different shopping categories.
Haralee
Too funny! Now that my husband has retired he does do lots of grocery shopping. If he can’t find something it’s dead to him.
Laurie Stone
Haralee, Randy has more the mine-sweep approach. Just go through the store and throw in everything that gets his interest… which is half the place.
Helen Martin Block
Love the Randy shopping story. Though it can’t be topped, how about this anecdote from shopping with Pip, my father-in-law.
I’d go to the local grocery store in Elmhurst, Queens. Way before it was somewhat cool to live in Queens. I’d put three items in the cart and he’d take out two. I’d put a few other items in the cart. Pip would take out at least one. “Pip,there’s nothing in my cart except eggs and Bon Ami and a grapefruit.” He smiled. The coupons in his hands fanning out to me, “You got what you said you needed.Pick one of these.” One coupon stuck out further, super-market brand peanut butter. I shook my head no and linked my arm into his incredible muscular one. He was so strong!
He had one again. Saved me money. And he carried my bag. I miss him.
Laurie Stone
Helen, He sounds like a wonderful man, your Pip… and funny. He was clearly Jeff’s father!
Jennie Williams
It is quite simple here. I sit in the car and my last words are ‘No malingering!’ but he does sometimes go ‘foraging’ with out me!
Laurie Stone
Funny!
Jennie Williams
It is quite simple here. I sit in the car and my last words are ‘No malingering!’
Laurie Stone
Jennie, Good for you! I’ll have to try that.
Janis @ RetirementallyChallenged
I guess we should be careful what we wish for. I used to wish my husband did the grocery shopping… maybe not so much anymore. I can’t see him bringing home a ton of bags but I’m pretty sure there would be plenty of cookies and other yummies tucked between the items on my list. Buying extra of things that are on sale makes sense sometimes… but bananas? We both like ours just past green so we’d probably have to make banana bread of all those leftovers.
Laurie Stone
Janis, I buy boxed banana bread mix by the ton since we always have left-over bananas!
Erik Erikson
This is so funny. It reminds me of my Dad. He drove my Mom to finally declare a moratorium on his shopping alone. Yet, he still could not help himself and would sometimes sneak his deal purchases into the house. I remember one time there was a special on 2 liter size Coca Cola. I even remember the price was 79 cents, as he was so proud of the deal he burned it into my brain I heard about it so often. He bought many, many 6 bottle cases of the stuff. A long time later, I was put into action to assist with pouring much of it down the drain as it had sat so long it went flat. Great deal, huh Dad? Years later in his retirement, I found he had enough laundry detergent, and paper towels stored in his garage to make FEMA look like amateurs.
Laurie Stone
Erik, So funny! Your dad and Randy sound like peas in a pod. There should be some kind of over-shoppers Anonymous. Thanks for commenting.