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My 80-something year old mother has come to live with us — whether for a long time or short — its up to her. I love having her here. I haven’t lived with my mom in 40 years. At first we were out of practice, but now it feels like we picked right up where we left off in 1978. This arrangement is not only nice, but shows me how astoundingly alike we are in the following ways…

Reading — When I was little, I always found the latest Dr. Seuss tale on my bed when I came home from school. When I got older, I’d borrow one of the many classics lining the shelves in our living room. At night, I’d find my mother sitting under one of those bonnet hair dryers in the den, reading Leo Tolstoy, Theodore Dreiser, or Thomas Wolff. She taught me to love literature. We still bond over books.

Curiosity – Mom and I love day trips and we’ve taken a few lately from our Connecticut home. Many have been to Massachusetts – Salem, Amherst, and the Berkshires. We also love pondering questions together. What was it like living in our woods as a native Algonquin three hundred years ago? How did the Revolutionary War soldiers get along in nearby Redding? Who’s that cute actor on the PBS series, “Poldark?” I’m thankful she always encouraged questions and open thinking.

Introverts – Even though we live under one roof, we probably spend an hour a day face to face, usually at dinner (many times glued to the TV news). We understand each other’s need for privacy. Although we don’t have a lot of “together” time, we still enjoy each other’s company. In fact, that may be our secret to getting along.

Neatniks – I’m still pinching myself. Mom cleans up the kitchen after dinner each night. Between my son cooking and her cleaning, my girlfriends will never speak to me again. I haven’t had this luxury since… well, ever. I also love the way mom cleans in that precise, detailed way of women. Not that my husband and sons don’t do the same, but, ahem… I’ll leave that to another blog post.

Nature lovers — Mom and I have always loved observing the natural world. Last summer, it was watching hummingbirds at the feeder. “Look how aggressive they are,” she’d say of little ruby-throated warriors defending their turf. She can identify almost every bird and knows their habits. Last summer, she pruned all my red and pink roses in the front yard, something I never did. They never looked so happy and abundant.

Sensitivity – We’re both canaries in the coalmine with our overactive nervous systems. This can be lovely as we notice small things like hummingbird bullies and roses that need trimming. But it also means other emotions are heightened…especially fear and anxiety. I’m not just a little nervous before a doctor’s appointment or getting on a plane. My heart’s pounding. I’m a wreck. Alas…my mom’s the same.

And that leaves me to my question… how much do parents shape us?

I was lucky to have a mother who was gentle, who understood what it’s like to need lots of solo, daydreaming time. But what if I had one of those intense, hard-driving moms who insisted I be head cheerleader or get straight A’s or stay busy and booked all day? What if failure was never an option and perfection required? (Yes, I’ve met a few of those). I would’ve always felt deficient, unaccepted, and unhappy.

Instead, as a child and teenager, my mother allowed me to be myself. She only lectured my brother, sister and I on one thing — kindness. “Always treat others as you’d want to be treated.” That golden rule was repeated many times.

Now in her eighties, Mom’s still spry, fit, and independent. She takes three exercise classes a week (pre-Covid), drives herself everywhere, loves having coffee with friends, and goes to her book club.

She talks of getting her own place and I understand. Someday (I hope not too soon) I’ll miss these sweet days.

In the meantime, we have fun trading good reads, discussing the latest op-ed in the Times, and pondering life. I love our nature walks and seeing my kitchen so sparkling clean each night. If I’m scared over something silly, she understands.

Sometimes I look at those well-tended red and pink roses in my front yard. I think how lucky I was…and how lucky I still am.

 

 

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Comments(46)

  1. Great post. I am close to my mom too. We have breakfast and lunch together every day at her house. Right now she is in Europe for 6 months visiting my brother and his family, and I feel like a fish out of the water. 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Darlene, Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your mom. I can understand how you’d miss her. Six months is a long time!

  2. What a wonderful, precious time! Your mom sounds so much like mine. Intelligent, supportive, intensely interested in the world around her. Kindness was the one thing my mom insisted on as well. Sadly, my Mom succumbed to the effects of Parkinson’s in the early 90’s, her fine mind slowly becoming more and more clouded. She went home in 2002. I wish I could have gotten a few more ‘adult’ years with her. Well, I will enjoy stories about your mom instead! 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Diane, So sorry about your mom. She sounds so lovely. You must miss her a lot. I can’t imagine life without my mother, but I’m grateful to have these wonderful days with her.

  3. Loved this post! Your mom sounds wonderful. You both seem to enjoy and appreciate the moment. So many people don’t get that it’s a key to happiness!:)

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Tomi, I think getting older is one factor to getting “wiser” and understanding these ordinary days are the best, most precious days of all.

      1. God Bless you both. I was fortunate to have had my grandmother live with us for 16 years before she passed at the age of 98 in 2009. It was the best time of our lives!

          • Laurie Stone

          • 3 years ago

          Antoinette, We’re now a three generation home and have to say, it’s lovely.

  4. Would your mom like to come stay with me for awhile? My mother and I didn’t have a great relationship and my father was the one who demanded perfection and straight-A’s… Your mom sounds delightful.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Brenda, Laughing. I’ve had other friends made that request! I also have friends who have had challenging relationships with their moms and I can see how that would’ve been difficult. Sounds like you had a double whammy with your perfectionist dad. Despite the hardships, it sounds like you made a good life for yourself. Somewhere your parents are proud.

  5. Can’t relate to your post. Parents divorced before my first year. Father visited and just kept running. Have had 3 last names during elementary school. Old days, nobody even noticed.
    So, no traditions, no history, no family history. My older brother and I wanted a
    mother, so we were excited when father remarried. Also not a good choice.
    She was a professional nurse, worked double-triple shifts. Must have been good at work. Wanted children quiet and out of sight.
    Anyway, I’ve always envied people had mothers, grandmothers, relatives; but there are a few of us who don’t know what you are talking about.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Mary, So sorry about this. I hope you at least found women in your life who, if not true mother figures, were there for you in a loving, kind way. That’s an important component to life. (((Hugs))).

  6. I have become so much more grateful for my mother as I get older and I see her in most of the little things I do. She is main thing that has shaped me into the person I am.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Trudy, I must admit, I really enjoy living with my mom. We have so much in common. Glad you also had a special one.

  7. My mom’s been gone 19 years. I’d love for her tohave lived with me. I think!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Carol, We have a good-sized house so there’s lots of privacy. Not sure either of us could do this without it.

  8. How very wonderful! My Mother died last year at 96, the last 6 with Alzheimers so she really, her, has been gone a long time. She decided driving was becoming too worrisome for her and wanted to go to an assisted living facility where she had friends living. We moved her and she loved it. It was like a cruise ship docked. The facility had a memory unit and then she ended up in their nursing home in the same complex her last 5 years. What was wonderful was since it is the same complex many of the staff knew her when she was herself; funny, outgoing and smart so she was treated with familiar kindness!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Haralee, Sounds like your mother had a merciful last few years. I’m glad. Never realized how scary and hard the end of life can be. Glad your mom had a gentle one.

  9. It sounds as though you two are working together on a healthy dynamic despite some challenges. All my best to you both–and to the entire family system.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Karen, Thank you. So far, full speed ahead!

  10. I’m very close to my mom, and although our personalities are quite different, we have an understanding of each other that is deep and lovely. She’s 92 now and I treasure our regular coffee chats and family time.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Candi, Your relationship sounds lovely and as time goes on, becomes priceless.

  11. I loved having my mom live with us most of the time. It got harder when we couldn’t leave her alone. I really miss her.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Rena, Although my mom’s a healthy almost-85-year-old, I can’t imagine the future where things get harder. So sorry for your loss.

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      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

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  13. I’m so happy that you have your mom with you.
    And, I’ll admit, a wee bit jealous! 😉
    I guess we’re fortunate, you and I, to have mothers who were, first and foremost, kind.
    And, largely due to Mom’s influence, it’s the first thing I notice about people!
    So, to answer your question . . . A LOT!!!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Diane, So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine not having my mother around anymore, but know that sadly, that day will come. In the meantime, I try and enjoy our time together.

  14. My mother and I are alike in many of the ways you describe. We talk on the phone and laugh. A lot.

    I’ve described myself as someone who appreciates structure, but I’m more of the bubble sort of structure that flexes and moves with the situation. Dinner time is six-ish, but if we’re not hungry, we can postpone it. Laundry is on Friday, but if we have somewhere to go, I just might wait until Monday.

    My oldest on the other hand craves structure.

    When I watch him raise his own kids, I think that’s the one thing I failed him. Structure protects and nourishes him; it gives him definition and comfort. He provides that for his children.

    He has a career that requires extreme attention to detail and the need to maintain structure and rules are very important. He flourishes in that environment.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Adela, I can relate to your son! Structure gives a sense of control, something that’s soothing in this chaotic world. But I want to think I also have your flexibility that’s important too. Sounds like you have a nice balance.

  15. You are very lucky. Cherish the time you have together. Mind you if my mom were alive and came to live with me we would probably kill each other. But I still miss her.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Lauren, Because my mom and I are both introverts who need lots of private time, that helps a lot. If she needed lots of attention and talking, I’d jump out the window.

      1. My mother would have driven you nuts. After a 3 day visit we were all read to jump out the window. But I still miss her.

          • Laurie Stone

          • 3 years ago

          Lauren, We’re lucky we have the chemistry. I could not have done this with everyone.

  16. You are lucky to still have your mom! I loved this post so much I had to sit a while with it.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Carol, Thanks so much.

  17. I love reading about your mom. It brings back memories of mine so clearly! Thank you for sharing her!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Diane, my pleasure.

  18. It is such a blessing to have the opportunity to give back.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Carol, So very true!

  19. I am both envious and happy for you. My mom is across the border in Canada, so in this time of Covid, I haven’t seen either of my parents for nearly two years. I’d like to think I am like my mom, as I admire her greatly. I think good parenting is a combination of getting it right – and the luck of parent/child personalities being a good match. This was a lovely story!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Susan, So sorry about not seeing your parents in so long. Can’t imagine how tough that is.

  20. Moms are . . . awesome!!!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Diane, Yes, Ma’am!

    • Donna

    • 3 years ago

    This was a beautiful post, I didn’t have a mom like yours, although I had 3 chances at it. But I’m trying to be a mom to my children like that. I will keep working at it. Thank you for the push to be closer.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Donna, I always admire mothers who become good role models for their children, despite having had hard childhood themselves.

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