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You know when you start doing something and at first it feels strange, but then you grow to love it? You look around and wonder if you’re the only weirdo doing this? You even feel guilty for liking it so much, but can’t seem to stop. Here’s how my new guilty pleasure went down this week…

I rented this adorable Connecticut cottage through Air B&B. The hostess, an attractive blond woman, let me in. I entered and couldn’t help smiling. It was perfect — charming and rustic with wood floors and made-for-one (okay, maybe two) coziness. I wanted to dance a jig. This would be my new writing home for the next few days.

She pointed out the comfortable living area and how to work the remotes. She showed me where to find silverware in the immaculate kitchen. The bathroom was supplied with scented soaps. The bed looked plump and lush. There were gardens outside and even a sweet golden lab named “Daisy” who greeted me when I arrived, toy in mouth. I was in heaven.

Yes, you guessed it. My new guilty pleasure is… stepping out of my life.

Is it possible to love your husband and kids, but desperately crave alone time, for like…days? Is it possible to only find focus when you’re away from the constant chores, ringing of the doorbell, housework piling up, and barking of the dog? For me, the answer seems to be yes.

Maybe because I never had a career that involved business travel (okay, I never really had a career, just a bunch of low-level corporate jobs), I never got that sense of autonomy other women take for granted. I was engaged at 22 and married at 23. For the first time in 61 years, I feel…well, untethered. But I like it.

I hear women my age talk of the lonely empty nest. And although I don’t have a completely kid-free zone yet, I do have a busy, always working, basically-off-the-payroll son at home. I get the idea. But this is the weird thing. I like this new phase. I find this new chapter invigorating.

Like a construction site in Manhattan with wooden barriers built around it, I sense a lot going on inside. Walls are coming down and new wiring’s being installed. And somehow needing solitude is part of this process. There’s a shedding of roles happening…but to what end? I don’t know.

As women we’re hard-wired to focus on others — to feed, shelter, and soothe them. And these are lovely, noble qualities, but at some point in life (usually later) many females feel a need to focus on themselves. As Kristen Bell, wife of well-known pastor Rob Bell once said…“I’m sick of being good. Now I want to be free.”

To that end, I’ve been exploring local Air B&B’s as gifts to myself. I don’t even mind having a dinner here and there alone. I go early and sit off by the side. I love people watching while sipping my Prosecco. I write at the library during the day. I take walks. I eat what I want for dinner and that means anything goes. Ice cream with sprinkles? Sure! A plate of cheese and crackers with raspberries?  Why not? (I hear the gasps of my son and husband now).

And yes, I know how incredibly lucky I am. Independence is not a choice for many women on this planet, including those in my own country. Forget women of past generations who were constrained in ways I can’t imagine.

I’m also lucky to have a husband who’s always encouraged latitude. Randy and I give each other space and I’m grateful. My kids are more or less launched. There’s nothing but open horizon.

It’s a funny time of life – both good and bad. There are losses — youth and now even middle age come to mind — but there are also incredible insights and openness not found in any other stage. We can be whom we want. We’ve earned that right.

Before leaving, the Air B&B hostess hands me the key to the cottage, my little home for the next few days. “Let me know if you need anything,” she says. “I will,” I reply. She closes the door behind her.

I look around and smile.

 

Does anyone else feel this great need for solitude sometimes? Comments are always welcome and if you like, please share.

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Comments(52)

  1. Perfect. I could have written about exactly the same things. You nailed it. Time alone is not about escaping, its about traveling.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Susan, Such a great line…time alone is a form of travel that’s different from anything else. I’ve been in a couple for so long, it feels very foreign (but still fascinating) to go it alone. I have to admit, usually I love it.

  2. Great post, Laurie. As I sit here listening to the construction noise in my main bathroom, which was supposed to be finished in 3-4 days and it’s now day 9, I would give anything to run away and be alone!
    b

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Barbara, I think many women feel that way. Just a few days can be incredibly refreshing.

  3. my wife had a cruise cancelled due to the hurricane and her girlfriends couldn’t agree on what they wanted to do instead. She ended up driving to Westerly and spent four days on the beach by herself. Very out of character for her but she loved it

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Jeremy, Sounds like she still got some precious alone time. What a nice husband to understand and encourage that.

  4. Sometimes I crave solitude. But with so many family members living ‘just next door’ it is rare and beautiful. I love this idea!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thanks, Diane. You should try it sometime!

    • Nanc Dennis. Name change

    • 7 years ago

    Such a well crafted and together piece. You are a talented and creative artisan and quite an entertaining writer that seems to know what her audience thinks. Great job, Laurie!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thanks so much, Nanc! So good to hear from you.

  5. A mind vacation is a wonderful thing and coupled with somewhere else – 25 miles to 2500 miles makes it both an adventure and a refresher. It’s a growth experience and is that not the art of living?
    More time for expanding is a self gift. Very nice to read you, friend.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thanks so much, Hinda! Good to hear from you. I agree, solitude can be a growth experience and refreshing, to boot. I seem to need these interludes and sounds like other women do too.

  6. What a wonderful use of Airbnb! After three and a half years of retirement with my dearest husband, I crave me time. Although getting away alone sounds good, I also want some alone time in my own home… just to putter as I see fit. The time away you arranged for yourself sounds heavenly.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Janis, I love alone time at home, but Randy’s retired and home a lot. There’s also something nice about going somewhere where there’s no laundry and housework to be done. That’s a treat.

  7. So glad you are doing this. I love my time of day when I read. My husband and I share most of the evening, but after he goes to bed, I’m up for maybe 90 more minutes and it can be a precious time. Enjoy.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Beth, I love that precious reading time too. Its one of the best times of the day.

  8. As strange as it may seem, I found my perfect alone time after divorce and losing my job/career at age 49, the perfect time to explore what’s next. The freedom was amazing and yet terrifying at times. With no job and few prospects I explored the territory of my own new life and ended up LOVING IT!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Laura, That doesn’t sound strange at all! You probably needed to recharge after a stressful time and it turned out to be very valuable. I admire your moxie.

  9. I love my alone time… i not only crave it, I HAVE to have it…i guess that is one of the reasons I am single… and I don’t want to share my bed with anyone….I love having it all to myself…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Renee, I know many women who feel the same. We’re so conditioned when young to become a couple. We’re never encouraged to be independent, at least our age group wasn’t. It’ll be interesting to see what this new generation does with this unheard-of freedom of choice.

  10. This post is beautiful! Keep loving your guilt pleasure. You earned it.

    Yes! Yes! Yes! I am in the exact same place in life as you. I want alone time so badly! When we go on vacation, just my husband and I, I write and write and write.

    At home there is no alone time, our door never stops revolving, with my autistic son’s staff.

    Alone time…is only a wish and dream for now.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Cindy, I think wanting alone time is a call from our soul. We need quiet to really think… and write. I’m sure its challenging with your son, but if you could get away for even one night, you might be surprised.

  11. I hope you return there again. Alone time is important for everyone.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Haralee, I found this beautiful retreat I go to once a season now. My husband doesn’t quite get it, but I love three days to truly be by myself. Highly recommended for every woman.

  12. Love your post! Even though I live alone (my Randy passed away a couple of years ago and the kids are grown) and have a quiet household, I have been thinking more about getting away for the weekend, doing a bit of traveling, having some different experiences. I love the idea of being able to write uninterrupted by daily life, too. May give that a try soon…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Candi, There’s something about being away from home, untethered by housework and chores which makes a difference. In being somewhere else, there’s a freedom that’s not found at home. Not sure why, but its there.

  13. I can relate – This is an AWESOME guilty pleasure! Just last night I ran away from home after dropping off the groceries and taking the dog for a walk. Just me, myself, and my laptop hung out in a restaurant. There were solitary thoughts, and writing, and words … it was glorious 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Mona, So many writers relate to this, its amazing. We all need our quiet time to really think. And without thoughts, there is no writing. Glad you agree.

  14. Alone time is a precious gift, and as I’ve gotten older, I value it more and more. It doesn’t mean that we love our family less. I think it means that we need to take the time to love ourselves a little more. Kudos to you for finding the balance and having the family to support you. Age has its advantages…this is one of them.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Tammy, So true about age having its advantages. I could never have done this when my kids were little or even teenagers. Now it just feels like the right time.

  15. OMG yes. I’m not even married or a mom but even so I am always overcommitting myself without really realizing it until I start feeling frazzled. My solo kayak camping trip down the Hudson and my two solo trips back to Oahu after my folks left da ‘aina all felt like the biggest gifts to myself.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Bonnie, Those are absolutely gifts to yourself. I find solitude luxurious.

    1. I was about to say this again. Even more so now that TQ has moved in. Love having him around but treasure my “me time” even more now!

        • Laurie Stone

        • 5 years ago

        Bonnie, I totally get that. “Me time” is important.

  16. Much to the dismay of my husband and daughter, I always prefer to be alone. 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Lisa, I can also be a loner.

  17. I would love something like that. I’ve dreamed of it for years. One day maybe! I just saw a thing on that air b&b some of the homeowners hide cameras so be careful and check the smoke detectors that’s where they like to hide them.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Rena, That’s a little disconcerting! I can’t imagine, but hopefully the place I go to every once in a while, doesn’t do that.

  18. Yes! I feel the need for solitude every damn day! And, it’s just me and my husband at home (and a 93 year old mother next door). I love this idea and may have to take a page…. Thanks Laurie!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Emily, Every few months its heaven. I can see how living alone would be lonely after a while, but getting away for a few days here and there is wonderful.

  19. My solitude time remains those few minutes between when Husby falls asleep and I follow. I spend the time reading and playing solitaire. Just a few golden minutes, but all mine!
    I LOVE this idea. Imagine. A few days just to write! Mmmmm….

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Diane, Once or twice a year, its bliss.

  20. This sounds like an amazing way to spend a few days! I’ve never been anywhere by myself. I’ve been married 28 years and we’ve never spent a night apart, but man would I love to do this!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Rena, You should look into it. Can’t believe you’ve never spent a night apart! Wow, as a corporate wife with a husband who travelled, that’s amazing.

  21. I wish I could to this. Sometimes I just want to play hooky from my life. I could get into a couple nights in someone else’s home by myself! especially if it involves a beach!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Lauren, Maybe once a year for a few days? Its a wonderful gift to yourself.

  22. Your solo getaways sound heavenly! Never give them up–but ditch the “guilt!” You deserve alone time!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Roxanne, Thanks so much!

  23. You’ve inspired me! Booked for January!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Go, Diane!

  24. I’ve done this for decades. I have to have that alone time!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Carol, I seem to need it more as I get older.

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