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You know when there’s something you must do, but can’t face it? You find yourself “backing into” the situation, pretending you’re not really doing it…even though you are? That’s how Randy and I feel about selling our home. We tell ourselves we’re only fixing it up after fifteen years – inside and out– because well… who knows?

Why is the decision to put our home on the market next spring so painful? Why is the thought of selling our place so hard to contemplate head-on? Is that a sign we shouldn’t be going? Or is it just a natural response to change?

We both agree the house has become too large and expensive for three people (we still have one son living at home, but he’s working. It won’t be long before he goes out on his own). It will soon be just the two of us. We use half the space as it is.

And there’s something else tugging at me. I admit to a certain excitement about starting a new chapter. The world is opening up. We can do anything we want.

Still, there are elements to this project that intimidate me…

The prep —

This is a touchy subject. Besides painting inside and out, repairing, and replacing ancient fixtures and appliances, there’s a lot of cleaning to do. Somebody (*cough*) has a lot of work ahead of him.

Randy’s a packrat. I’m a purger. This subject comes with a host of challenges, discussions we’ve skirted around for fifteen years. It actually goes to the deepest division in our marriage. In so many ways, we’re alike. But in this way, we’re different.

Border skirmishes have already broken out. I look around at the “collections” my husband has lugged from home to home over the decades– old albums, newspapers, coins, political memorabilia. What good are they, I ask? Put them on EBay and let ‘er rip. He looks at me horrified.

I gaze around at parts of our house – the garage and basement especially, chock-full of musical equipment, gadgets, clothing, wine, gizmos, and start hyperventilating. We’re giving ourselves six months to purge? We need two years.

The packing – Okay, let’s say by some miracle, we get the house ready. We’ve cleaned out the joint. And my God, what if we even sell? Then comes the next intimidating part.

We must take every possession we own, from chairs to silverware to that last box of macaroni in the pantry, and pack it. Everything.

It’s so daunting. It’s so much work. What if we regret it? What if we miss this house and want to move back? Will it look funny to be found crying under the living room window with the new owners inside?

Or maybe its what a friend told me recently. “You won’t miss it,” she said. “You think you will, but you won’t.” What if life goes on and we enjoy starting this new phase? What if we realize we did the right thing?

Then another friend says the opposite. “Stay. You’ll be glad when you have grandchildren. You’ll be happy you have a big house.”

But neither of my boys are married and something tells me grandchildren are a ways off, and I’m starting to feel isolated in the Connecticut sticks. Somehow it feels right to move on.

And that leads me to…

The Final Goodbye – I can’t imagine standing in this home for the last time. I can’t imagine closing the door on our lives here forever.

This house has brought us happiness. It nurtured and protected and sheltered Randy and me and our children. Our sons grew from little boys to teens to men, with all the birthdays, Pokeman cards, skateboards, teen bands in the basement, proms, graduations and family holidays thrown in.

I walk to the mailbox and can’t help wonder — will this be the last autumn I watch the swirl of golden leaves over the brook in the front yard?

Will this be the last winter seeing snow falling outside the living room window or spring daffodils in the backyard or summer meals on the back porch?

But if not now, when? Is it time to let another family start their life here?

In the meantime, like people whistling past the graveyard, Randy and I pretend we’re just doing a big renovation. We’ll figure it out next spring, we tell ourselves. But I know which way we’ll go.

Ready or not, a new era has begun.  And my God, there’s a lot of work to do.

 

How do you feel about downsizing? Comments are always welcome and if you like, please share. Thank you!

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Comments(66)

  1. I’m glad I’m not the only one hesitant about downsizing. My head says that it would be a great idea as it would be more economical but my heart is currently saying otherwise.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Linda, What a great way to put it. The decision is truly between head and heart. Never thought of it that way, but you nailed it.

  2. I think we do, in one way or another.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Carol, That’s definitely happening with Randy and I. Its too hard to face head on.

  3. I feel exactly how you feel! It’s such a hard decision. I figure the house needs to be cleaned out anyway, so I am doing it with the thought of downsizing. We probably won’t go soon, but at least the house will be clutter free and ready for when we are.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Lori, Unfortunately for us, I don’t think the house will stay clutter free for long. We must strike while the iron’s hot. Glad we’re not the only ones going through this!

  4. So many of my friends are downsizing as their kids fly the coop, but me – NO WAY. I love my house and look forward to letting my grandkids run through it one day. If I am not blessed with grandkids, I will become the local animal shelter’s favorite adoptive fur-baby parent. *grin*

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Monica, That’s a great attitude. I love the idea of having the grandkid house, but also find myself hankering for another chapter. Maybe we’ll feel differently when we must make the final decision.

  5. I grew up in the first house we lived in, so moving to my first house was pretty intense.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Tony, Moving is intense whether its your first or twentieth time. Its such a hassle. I don’t know how people do it every few years!

  6. I’ve been where you are now, and it’s both heartbreaking and exhilarating… if you let it be the latter. When I met my second husband, after having been widowed for 10 years and living in my home for 20, I told him he’d have to carry me out of there in a wooden box. But there came a time when I knew the house and the yard were more than I wanted to maintain and it was time. Would you believe I never looked back as we drove down the driveway for the last time? Never glanced over my shoulder? If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. You already know what to expect, living where you are, but you don’t know the life and excitement of creating that next chapter of your life. Go for it and embrace it… and get Randy on eBay! xox, Brenda

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Wow, Brenda. Exactly what I needed to hear. Yes, my curiosity over a new life is a “little” bit more than my heartache of leaving. You’re so right about staying and knowing what to expect, where leaving involves unlimited horizons which excite me. So well put, thank you.

  7. We moved a few years ago after 21 years in our old place. We downsized our land from 2 acres to suburbia but our house is much the same size. Still room for the family to visit, but less to maintain. Neither of us are pack rats so we don’t have piles of “stuff” but there was still a lot to sort and donate or toss out – where do all those coffee cups come from?? Good luck and I don’t envy you the task of parting Randy from his collections.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Leanne, Thank you. The task ahead is daunting, but I feel we can do it. Sounds like you guys also made the right decision.

  8. Even great opportunities usually require you to leave something familiar and dear to you. That doesn’t help much when thoughts of future holidays and past milestones tug at you.

    Let it come, let it go, it’s all part of it. If you can imagine the wonderful things that can come next, you’ll make them happen.

    Good luck.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Susan, Its so true about the coming and goings of feelings. I find I’m usually left knowing moving is the right thing to do, even though sometimes I feel those other tugs.

  9. I wish you luck. It is work but opportunities await!
    I helped a friend yard sale her in-laws stuff and they were stuff collectors for the last 3 years.The yard salable stuff is finally gone but there are about 20 boxes of china, crystal, etc, non yard sale stuff, that has been categorized and will go on eBay or consignment. Don’t do this to your kids is my take away from my experience!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Harlalee, I can’t imagine having all that stuff. Although I did read your blog post about yard sales, which is giving me ideas. Oh oh, I sense another debate with Randy coming up.

  10. Our lives changed and we sold the home our kids grew up in when we moved back to my hometown and in with my father. We spent a very fast summer finishing all the projects, painting, purging, packing, and finally selling. When the day came to lock the doors and leave it was really emotional for me. While there was a side that knew it was the right thing to do and we were trying to look at it as a new chapter, it was sad to think that our daughter (who had left for college the week before) would never return to her “real home” for a holiday. I had to take a little time in each room before I could leave the key on the kitchen counter and walk out. Even 2 years later I miss aspects of our old life in that house but try to remind myself that life is about people and not walls.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Shelley, I’ll be the same way, very emotional about leaving. I love the way you took a little time in each room, saying goodbye. Getting misty-eyed just thinking about that.

  11. When we left KY to move to SC and got rid of just about everything I thought I would never get over all of the things I would miss desperately. Six years later I cannot even remember what it was! I was a nervous wreck but it’s kind of like me cutting all of my hair off this past weekend. I thought it would kill me, turns out I can’t believe I waited so long to do it and I don’t even miss it! It will be hard but at the end of it you will feel happier because what is in the new place will be things that you absolutely love!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Rena, Such wise words. Funny, I thought I’d weep with nostalgia every time I heard a school bus, once my kids had grown. Now I never even notice them. I think the same will be said for leaving this home for another. Thank you.

  12. My experience was one mixed with excitement and sadness. I don’t regret selling our big house. I don’t regret being closer to my grandchildren. I do miss my friends in Iowa and I do regret some of the things I gave away. Downsizing is tough but it has its rewards.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Beth, Thankfully we’ll move close to where we are now. Yes, leaving a state and starting a new life would be very challenging. Sounds like you did a good job.

  13. I found the first time I downsized, after a divorce to be the easiest. I was getting rid of a past life to start fresh. But my current husband and I recently downsized to move in with my 98-year-old mother. It was much harder to downsize because it’s our life together. There was not “fresh start” that I was moving towards. Did we do it? Yes. But yes, there are still a lot of boxes that we need to take care of.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Jennifer, How kind of you and your husband to look after your Mom. I’m sure she appreciates it.

  14. We are in the exact same situation – ready to downsize, but dreading it. I have been slowly purging things. Cleaning out the garage, drawers, etc. I seems I am downsizing everything, except my hips!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Ellen, Laughing. Yes, those stubborn hips! Sounds like you’re doing things like me. I rather chip away at something slowly than have a mountain to move later on.

  15. We’re trying to downsize inside our house and just get rid of years worth of crap that we don’t need. We love our house and can’t see selling it but we need to minimize the amount of stuff. It’s very freeing to purge. Good luck with the next chapter!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Lois, Thanks so much. I also find something very freeing about purging. I could never be a hoarder.

  16. Wow! What an incredible transition. I understand your mix of feelings…the loss and opportunity.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Anna, I love the way you put it… a mixture of loss and opportunity. That’s definitely how it feels, a strange intersection in life.

  17. We won’t be moving anytime soon but we are focused on getting rid of all the junk (his) and gems (mine) that we no longer need. I love the feeling of having empty cabinets and closets with plenty of space. Good luck on your journey; selling a house that you’ve lived in for 15 years can’t be easy.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Janis, Thanks so much and it is a journey! Or maybe the end of one journey and beginning of another. I also love the feeling of empty cabinets and closets… spaciousness is luxurious.

  18. Yep, I’m there with you and not looking forward to it…but it is a Must! I can’t afford to take care of this old place any more! So where to go, what to do, what to keep, what to let go of?? yeah, not looking forward to that part…but am looking forward to the next chapter and what it holds… good luck to us both..

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Renee, So true. Too many questions and I’m also getting a little nervous. The future’s uncertain. Yes, here’s to good luck for both of us!

  19. What a beautiful post. The sentiment of leaving a home is something I’m approaching for different reasons. It’s pretty intense, but we find our way. Good luck to you.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Andrea, Thanks so much. Sounds like many people are going through this difficult, but sometimes necessary, passage.

  20. What a tough decision. We fluctuate back and forth about downsizing but are telling ourselves we will wait till the kids get settled. Lord knows when that will happen! I think it’s normal to feel all those conflicting emotions. Let things happen as they do. You will know in the moment if it is right. Just think, even if you never move, how wonderful to get rid of the clutter!!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Laura, Great advice. We’re letting things happen on their own in terms of moving. However, I’m always de-cluttering, which seems endless.

  21. We’re at the same point. Our children and grandchildren all live nearby, though, so it really is a tough decision. And Husby and I are on the same pages exactly! He’s a hoarder. I’m a purger. I feel tired…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Diane, Laughing. Sounds like we’re in parallel universes. Its really a tug of war, but I tell myself I’ll know when its right.

      1. We just finished redoing the kitchen. Yow!
        My memory is mush and I don’t recall . . . did you get the renos done? And move?

          • Laurie Stone

          • 6 years ago

          Diane, We ended up staying put. But my compromise is we’re using this time to constantly purge, purge, and purge. We also keep the house in good “ready to sell” condition so we’re on it when the time comes.

  22. I am presently in the phase of upgrading, but I have been talking to my 90 year old grandmother who has decided it is finally time to downsize so that the house can be sold off by the time she passes, to avoid any unnecessary rivalries. I know it can’t be easy for her, but she puts on a strong front. <3

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Jess, Your grandmother sounds like a smart lady. How considerate, not to mention brave, of her to think of others. Very impressive.

  23. Maybe it’s because I live in California, but most of my empty-nester friends move to be closer to their kids and grandkids. The younger generation just can’t get a foothold in our area. My in-laws sold their home of 55 years and moved to Colorado to be closer to grandkids. For many years, they held out hope that we would all visit more than we did, but we all live a day or more drive from their old home. So they picked up and moved a few minutes away from the youngest grandchild. I have a “bonus baby” who is 6 and 9 years younger than his sisters. So my nest won’t be empty for a while. I hope I can spread my wings and fly when the time comes.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Leah, Congratulations on your bonus baby! I understand the need to be near family. Thankfully mine is close by and always has been. If and when we down-size, it won’t be far.

  24. It is definitely a mixed blessing. I look at my in-laws’ packrat tendencies (neither is in great health) and shudder to think what will happen when they go. I look back at my late father’s packrat tendencies, and say a prayer of thanksgiving every day that my own mother has been working hard for the past 2 decades to hoe out his “stuff”, and continues to do so (and she is more likely to live long enough to successfully downsize than my in-laws are). She has inspired me to get started NOW, in my 40s – but that doesn’t magically insert an extra 12 hours into every day, even thought that’s what I feel like I need…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Flossie, I find doing a little purging every weekend (and I mean 10-15 minutes) makes a difference. If you chip away at it a lot, it helps.

  25. I love the idea and honesty we have moved so many times we have so little “stuff”. But we just upsized in a major way but it includes building a business- but really we downsized our stuff on our last move. I don’t like stuff I don’t need.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Dana, I’m with you. I like to purge and now I’m trying to get my husband to love the pleasures of throwing away. To my delight, he’s getting a little better! Good luck with your business!

  26. I want to downsize! I also procrastinate, but purging helps!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Lauren, I continually purge since its the next best thing to moving!

  27. I just published a piece on The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver about this subject. Your husband should read it. I’m the child of a collector and what I was left to deal with really wasn’t fair! Send him over there he will see the light I promise!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Rena, What’s your address? He’ll be right over…

  28. Geesh! Look at all these comments. You probably don’t need one more.

    We went in the opposite direction. I moved to Illinois when my kids were in high school. We squeezed into a townhouse, with the thought that it would be just the right size when the kids grew and flew.
    When they began to marry and have children, it was too cramped to gather, so we built a smallish house with plenty of gathering space on an acre lot. We love having the 12 grandchildren (and theire parents, too!) over for parties, sleepovers, and holidays.
    Now the grandchildren are beginning to peel off to college and beyond.
    I want to rent our house out for a year, and find out what it’s like to live in Costa Rica for a year. Loved-One says, “If we do that, let’s just sell the house.” Wait just a minute! I’m not ready for something that permanent.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Adela, Costa Rica sounds exciting! You’d sure have lots of family visiting down there. Sounds like you have a wonderful, close family. Good luck in whatever you decide.

  29. Whatever it takes, girl!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      So true!

  30. Husby recently told me I was a hoarder. I was shocked. I’m just not into ‘things’.
    But I took the hint and REALLY got going. Closets. Bedrooms. Living areas. We took load after load after load to Salvation Army.
    I now have shelf space if I ever wanted to buy something (I hate shopping…)
    But the most interesting thing was, when I approached his uber-crammed-full office, he stopped me at the door. “Not in here!”
    Hmmm…I think I just figured out who the REAL hoarder is!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Diane, Laughing. Just one more instance where, I swear, our husband is the same person. He just commutes back and forth!

  31. I’ve been downsizing for so long I’m used to it. I relate to the hoarder/purger. I am a purger. My late boyfriend was a hoarder. Guess who had to give everything away? It was a lot of work.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Rebecca, I think it’s harder on purgers since we have to help the hoarders “give away” what they’ve amassed. We now have a dumpster in our driveway and getting my husband to throw away anything isn’t easy.

  32. I can’t wait to sell this house. I have never loved it. I told my husband the next house (in a new state, new town and smaller) will be one I have the final say in or I will get one on my own. I plan to have the moving truck ready to go the day after my youngest graduates.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Lauren, I’m sorry you don’t like your house. Hope you get the one you want someday!

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