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I try not thinking of the D-word. Moving is hard enough without that emotional tug. Picking up stakes will be like leaving part of ourselves behind. Yet it’s undeniable. Our house is quieter these days. One son is gone. The other’s a working adult with a life of his own. He’ll be out before we know it. Then what happens?

I move around our home and can’t deny things feel different. A kitchen, once full of teenagers drinking soda and eating my banana bread, is less frantic.

The basement, once alive with guitar, bass, and drums from many youthful rock bands is still.

The living room, dining room and den have become like “flyover states,” hardly used except for company.

Real living happens in either end of our ranch-style house — the bedroom and of course the kitchen.

Even my long-awaited diva den is mostly a guest room. I thought I’d write there, but I guess I’m too used to the kitchen.

What happens when you’re no longer living in all your rooms? Is that the sign to leave? (And yes, I know there are worse problems).

Still, I look back and see how life gives clues to our future, but we only see them in hindsight.

I grew up a mile from here. As a kid, I’d ride my bike with friends down this road, barely noticing the woodsy parcel of land where someday someone would build this house.

A decade later, my late father watched this unusual structure going up. The house had a Japanese-style pagoda roof — a strange sight among the New England colonials.

Years later, after we moved in, I asked him, “Did you ever think you’d end up spending holidays here?”

He thought about this and chuckled. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “I never could’ve predicted.” How strange are the twists and turns of life.

When we were younger, my husband Randy drew a crude floor plan for his dream house on a diner napkin. He doesn’t walk well and preferred a good-sized ranch with few stairs. The home he drew was shaped like a boomerang, with bedroom wings off a central living space.

A year later I saw a picture of a house for sale in my old neighborhood. I liked the way it sat on a hill, its weathered gray shingles nestled among the trees.

When the realtor drove me up the driveway, I gasped. It was a modern-style ranch shaped like a boomerang. Inside, the rooms were spacious and sunny, perfect for our growing family. We made an offer, but lost to another bidder.

Several years went by. One day, Randy told me “THAT house” had come back on the market. The owner had relocated. It now stood empty.

One day I drove up the driveway, walking around the once-beautiful yard, now overgrown and weedy. I peeked in the windows, heartbroken, to find empty, silent rooms.

When the price came low enough, Randy and I made another offer. We were told there were other bidders. My heart sank. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing this home again.

But then came the call. The house was ours.

And I know this sounds crazy, but I swear the house picked us. Maybe it knew that crazy woman standing in the yard and peeking in the windows, loved it most.

Fourteen years have passed. Before we moved in, only adults lived here. But we came with two boisterous sons, rock bands in the basement, dogs, cats, family and friends. The house never knew what hit it, but I imagine it was happy.

Randy never wants to leave and I don’t blame him. But I can’t help wonder what life will be like here with just two of us?

And is it time to stop spending money on rooms we no longer use?  Is it time to start a new chapter?

Or maybe, we’ll just know when the time’s right.

I tell myself there’s a family out there with younger kids who will love this place as much as we have.

A woman will stand in the yard and hear the rustle of leaves and feel something in her bones. And like another woman who stood there so many years ago, she’ll know she’s found her home.

Maybe that’s when I’ll know…it’s finally time to say goodbye.

 

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Comments(61)

  1. I often think our house is too big for the two of us now, but when the “kids” come home for visits and for Christmas, the spare rooms fill up again and I appreciate the extra space. Once it gets to be too much to look after then we’ll know the time has come to make a move.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Leanne, Its a tough call and I’ll admit, I also like a big house when we entertain. So far, we’re letting time decide for us. In the meantime, we’re happy.

    • Susan

    • 7 years ago

    Another thought-provoking piece Laurie. Houses definitely do have personalities (not to mention ‘energy!’) It’s hard to contemplate leaving an old friend where so much of one’s history resides… And there’s always the question, where do we put the kids (not to mention the grandkids!) when they come home?? “Tis a puzzlement!”

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Susan, Good question about the grandchildren, but that seems so far away, although you never know. Tis a puzzlement, indeed!

  2. I love the way you write – so genuine, conversational, and insightful. You’ll know what to do. How wonderful that you are open to letting things unfold.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thanks so much, Tomi. I guess sometimes all we do is relax and let things play out naturally.

    • Lois logan

    • 7 years ago

    The way you love that house, the next woman will have to peer in those windows while you’re still there! Keep the blinds closed!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Good point, Lois. I will!

  3. How wonderful that Fate came calling a second time for you and your house. I really do feel as if houses are living things sometimes, absorbing all the love and insanity that goes on within their walls. When we sold my parents’ house, where they’d lived for 50 years and where my sisters and I had grown up, it was as if a family member had passed away. I still can’t bear to go past it on visits back to Pennsylvania.

    Nowadays, I’d like about three small houses allover the world…after that lottery win, I guess!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Lee, Wouldn’t that be wonderful, to have three houses around the world? Let’s see a beach house, city apartment somewhere… not sure where the third would be. I agree houses are living things that absorb our lives. A beautiful way to express it.

  4. I don’t think it’s crazy to say the house picked you! When we added onto our house, I felt like it heaved a sigh and thanked us. Like it knew it should always have been this way:).

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Kristine, I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Thanks for reading.

  5. I’ve heard from other bloggers that when their kids move out, the feel awkward for a time because of the emptiness and the quiet. But many of them go on to say that it only lasts for a while, and soon they begin to enjoy the extra space (which is always handy when the kids come back with their families, of course). I’m not sure how you’ll feel about it. I guess everybody is different. But perhaps it might be an idea to wait a while before making any final decisions one way or the other.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Good advice, Bun. That’s exactly what we plan to do.

  6. That sounds like me dream house. Where do you live? Maybe your downsize can be my relocation and you could still visit it.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Sounds like a plan, Anna! We live in Connecticut, about an hour from New York City. Now I’m being advised by people to keep it so we’ll have room for grandkids! Getting confused.

  7. We just went through this— it’s tough going from busy family house to…not.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Beth, I’m torn. Part of me is ready for a more manageable house, but another will be sad to leave our wonderful family home of so many years.

    • Pam

    • 7 years ago

    If I downsized, I’d be living in a box. 🙂 We raised 4 daughters in a 1300 sq ft home, the ranch style you mentioned, and it was tight but cozy. Once they grew up and left the nest, I enjoyed the quiet and turning one room into a guest room and another into that office that I never use because I, too, am used to the kitchen. Once two of the girls moved back in, I realized this house it way too small for 4 adults. One has moved to her own place but one remains here. And now, the house is not big enough for 3 adults. LOL Lovely piece!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thanks so much, Pam. Yes, I’ve heard of “boomerang” kids which make me nervous. I can see us getting into a smaller house and one (or both) sons move back in!

      1. Guess you have the perfect “boomerang” shaped ranch for boomerang kids. I’m downsizing again. I can’t seem to want to stay in any one place longer than 10 years or so. Right now, we downsize to move in with my Mom who at 97 has never moved out of the house her husband built for her back in the 1940’s. I’m in CT too, and although I’ve lived in three different towns, I haven’t moved out of state….yet. That time will come soon enough.

          • Laurie Stone

          • 7 years ago

          Jennifer, Are you in Fairfield County or upstate? I can’t believe your Mom has lived in the same house so long. That’s very cool. She must have been very happy there.

  8. I got all teary-eyed reading this. I also believe houses (homes) contain our spirits. How wonderful that you ended up in this house. I have been in the same small house (less than 1000 sf) for 29 years. We added on in 2015, a master suite with room for my home office which added a bathroom and 300 sf! Now that I have this house just the way I want it, I doubt we’ll ever leave. I have two guest rooms since both chicks flew away. Still small enough with a small mortgage (In California!). if you love your home, why move?

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Terri, Sounds like your home is ideal, not too big or too small. Its a lovely gift to have a home you love for many years. I know people who move all the time (sometimes to follow the husband’s work) and that would drive me crazy.

  9. What a lovely piece. I love when you say that the house picked you!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Mandi, My husband Randy rolls his eyes when I say that, but I swear it did!

  10. Our house will never let us go, so we are never going to downsize. Maybe we will stop increasing the herd though. Six horses and everything we need to look after them including a red tractor called Scarlett, is enough.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Margaretha, Wow, I can barely take care of a small dog and cat, let alone six horses. You have my total respect!

  11. I love the idea of a house picking its owners. You put into words what I felt when I saw our ranch style home over 30 years ago. The house has witnessed a lot of change: one husband gone and another taking residence and a son who grew up and left home leaving it quiet and empty as you describe. Once I recovered from the grief of my son moving out, we turned his room into an office and that is where I sit typing this comment. We have two ‘fly by’ rooms but do use them often enough to enjoy them and they contain some of my most sentimental possessions – items from my parents, grandparents, and sister who have all passed. Our spare bedroom has been transformed into a room for two grandsons, complete with bunk beds, toys and the wall hanging that used to adorn their father’s room so many years ago. Our house has adapted to our lives and all its changes. Nope. Guess I’m not ready to downsize. Nice post, Laurie.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Molly, We’re not going to downsize for a while. In a funny way, houses become like people. They’re part of our lives and its very hard to say goodbye.

  12. I imagine it would be hard to decide. I think it’s nice to have space, and I would feel very attached to somewhere if I had been there a long time. Plus I hate moving. But I also see the appeal of having less room to clean and maintain. I expect keeping extra space can be good if grandkids happen though.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Despite all my bluster, I think we’ll stay for a while. We also hate to move, and you’re right, there’s always grandkids (gulp)!

  13. This reminds me to go check realtor.com! We are very casually considering downsizing as well. 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Christina, Go for it. We’re still in the casual, “sometimes talk about it” stage. I can’t see it happening in the near future, to be honest.

    • Stacey W

    • 7 years ago

    This brought tears to my eyes! I love how much you love your home. Isnt it amazing how some things fall into place in amazing ways?!!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Stacey, I believe when its time to go, we’ll know it. Life often works out that way.

    • Sue

    • 7 years ago

    We downsized when my husband had bypass surgery. The kids had all grown and we had a huge house with a pool and garden to maintain. Downsizing was shortlived as for the last 10 years we have lived downstairs from my in-laws. That will be ending soon as my FIL passed away last year and my MIL is transitioning to a home. She is 90. We will finally be able to live in our apartment by the ocean. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have our house again but then I look at the ocean from our apartment and think ‘yes this is the life’.

    • Laurie Stone

    • 7 years ago

    Sue, The only thing that could lure me away from my country house is the ocean. Sounds like you and your husband have the right idea.

  14. I downsized a few times in my life…but bought a big old house 9 years ago..I would prefer to downsize again..its just too much work, both inside and out…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Renee, The thought of a smaller, more manageable home is not a bad one.

  15. As I get older I am more and more aligned with the “less is more” concept. We keep downsizing. Our house is on the market now. I want to live in a one level apt or condo next. Every place we have lived quickly becomes “home” to us.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Ellen, I agree, we make home wherever we happen to be. I wouldn’t mind something smaller and more manageable.

  16. Don’t laugh when you say the house “picked you!” I had a relationship with the house I lived in most of my adult life. I loved it, treated it better than anyone else, and I believe it knew that. It also knew when I decided to sell it that it was time. All that energy’s that’s been living inside of a house has to go somewhere. Like Karma, it comes back to us. Brenda

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Brenda, I love to believe houses have energy. You can almost feel a house that’s been loved and one that’s been neglected. It always makes me sad to see a “sad” house.

  17. I really believe you’ll know when–or if–it’s time to downsize. In many ways, your house sounds ideal for aging in place, even if it’s bigger than what you may need. In the meantime, enjoy the memories–and making more!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Roxanne, That’s where I’m torn. My husband wants to stay here forever and there are worst fates. Someday the answer will come.

  18. I’ve been seriously thinking of downsizing over the last few months. My dogs are getting older, so am I, and (same as you) I have rooms I don’t use. This house has too many stairs, especially as the dogs age. One of them has 3 legs. I shudder to think how I’m going to deal with him when he gets older. I carried their predecessor. He was 85 pounds, but I did it, at age 55. I don’t think I’ll be able to do that in 10 years when they are 15 (if I’m lucky enough to still have them with me. So, the D word? Yeah, downsizing for dogs! 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Kathleen, Sounds like you work hard for your pooches. Maybe an easier house will make a difference.

      1. Well, I did it. I bought a house several states away (near family) and it’s one level, and smaller. I’m planning to move within the next 3 years or so. In the meantime, I have two houses. A little daunting, but I’ve done it before (vacation home) so it will be fine. I am able to work at home, which is huge!

          • Laurie Stone

          • 6 years ago

          Kathleen, Sounds like the ideal plan to me. You move in at your own pace. Hmmm… giving me ideas.

          1. Good, glad to help! LOL!

  19. Our house is too big for just the 2 of us. But with kids and grandkids close, it’s great to have the rooms when the family gathers together. Downsize someday? Probably. But not now.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Cathy, There are definitely many ways to look at this situation. I agree, there’s something nice about having a house that can still sleep everyone in a pinch.

  20. Hi Laurie! Good for you for recognizing that changes are coming. Most people wait far too long to enjoy all the advantages that downsizing can bring. Of course I don’t call it downsizing (that sounds like sacrificing!) I call it “rightsizing” and write about it on my own blog all the time. Instead of hanging on to the past, rightsizing is walking bravely into the future towards things that bring you the most peace, happiness and meaning in the days to come. I get that sometimes it is difficult to let go of the past, but I’m convinced that by holding a positive view of what’s to come and designing a life that will work for us now and in the future we will be ready for anything. Trust me. With all the money, time and energy you will save when you rightsize, you can rent a big house for the weekend when everyone comes to visit and have tons of room.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Kathy, Thanks so much! I love the term “rightsizing.” And you’re right about too much time, energy, and money going into our present house. Wonderful advice and very timely.

  21. When I think of houses, especially the good ones that have raised and nurtured, I think of the poem by Mr. Longfellow. These are the first two verses:

    All houses wherein men have lived and died
    Are haunted houses. Through the open doors
    The harmless phantoms on their errands glide,
    With feet that make no sound upon the floors.

    We meet them at the door-way, on the stair,
    Along the passages they come and go,
    Impalpable impressions on the air,
    A sense of something moving to and fro…

    It is a sobering thought, to leave what has cradled you. We are fortunate to have most of our family living almost on our doorstep. With grandkids coming and going every day. The house doesn’t seem too big . . . yet . . .

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Oh Diane, I love this. So true that all houses are haunted by those gone and those still here! Goose bumps.

  22. I am waiting for a house to pick us. My husband picked this one and I don’t like oit. I am ready to downsize to a house I love!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Lauren, Its out there somewhere. You’ll feel that “tug” when you see it.

  23. Recently I was thinking about what it would be like to downsize our home. Our children are getting older and we have to do something with our lives when they are gone. Downsizing is scary, necessary, but scary.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Janeane, I hate the thought, but our family’s getting smaller while our house is getting bigger!

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