woman-with-cell-phone-400×300

woman-with-cell-phone-400x300

I try not to show jealousy. Its only infatuation, I tell myself. Still, she appeared brazenly in my kitchen a few weeks ago, sleek and modern. She makes no secret of the fact she’ll do anything for my husband. “Alexa, play Beethoven,” Randy commands. She lights up at the sound of his voice, a cool chromatic blue. “Playing Beethoven, Symphony 6 in C Minor.” I roll my eyes.

I didn’t know Beethoven had a Symphony 6 in C Minor.

No, “Alexa” is not some temptress from Carnegie Hall, but Amazon’s newest voice-activated portal for music, news, and sports. She now sits on my kitchen counter. At 9 inches tall, she carries her 2-pound frame elegantly with wifi brain and hi-tech speaker.

She’s also the third Fembot to invade our marriage.

The first appeared ten years ago. Randy and I were driving around, when this disembodied female voice came from nowhere.

“Turn left.”

I looked at Randy, confused. “Who was that?”

He beamed proudly. “The GPS chick.”

I should’ve known at that moment, life would never be the same.

Unlike Alexa, whose voice is soft and assured, GPS chick has a plucky, adventurous tone, like she’s up for anything.

I picture her wearing a safari jacket, cameras around her neck. “Let’s drive to Tasmania,” Randy could command. “Begin at the highlighted point,” she’ll reply. “Route guidance will follow.”

Little did I know, GPS chick was only the beginning.

Next came Apple’s “Siri.” I picture this bot as a saucy librarian with horn-rimmed glasses — ever happy to show off her encyclopedic smarts.

“I wonder who’s the oldest serving Senator?” I once mused.

“Let ask Siri,” Randy suggested, pulling out his phone. “Siri, who was the oldest serving senator?”

Siri sifts through data, answering in three seconds. “The oldest serving Senator was Strom Thurmond from South Carolina.”

Randy nods proudly. “Watch this,” he says. “Hey Siri, do you love me?”

A pause and then, “I cannot answer that.” I swear there’s a lilt to her voice. Good God. My husband’s flirting with the I-phone.

Over the years, I’ve learned to play it cool with these Fembots. I try not to show insecurity. Still, they know everything, how to do any task, and how to get everywhere. They never yell. They’re never flustered. They’re always cool.

And now the latest has invaded my kitchen.

“Alexa, play Miles Davis.”

“Playing Miles Davis, ‘Sketches in Spain.”

As bluesy trumpet notes fill the air, I stand, making a salad and sigh. This back and forth has been going on for weeks.

I picture Alexa as one of these cool, retro chicks in a Greenwich Village music shop. She has dark hair and a beret. She and my husband speak a language I can’t follow.

And yet deep down, I know this is only the beginning. From what I’ve read, artificial humans are here to stay and I have to admit, I have mixed emotions.

On one hand, I get an evil thrill bossing them around. “Alexa, turn it up,” There’s no please and thank you required. Alexa never gets offended. (And I know I’m getting paranoid, but I swear she “gets confused” over my commands more than Randy’s).

But in other ways, this robot thing makes me uneasy. They’re cheap labor. They never call in sick. They never have an attitude. Even weirder, I feel Alexa is always… well, listening.

I’ve read they’re now making robots with soft skin and lifelike eyes. Will they take over our jobs? Will they become part of our families like servants, pets or… God knows what?  Will husbands and wives become obsolete?

In the meantime, what’s a girl to do? What else?

I must search for a Manbot.

He will have Liam Neeson’s voice and sound like he has the body of a lumberjack. His name will be Daniel.

Daniel will help me navigate my world, read my favorite novels to me, and answer life’s questions at the press of a button. He’ll listen to my problems and tell me I’m smart and pretty upon request. When Randy gives him a command, he will also “get confused.”

And no doubt, Daniel will also know Beethoven had a 6th Symphony in C Minor.

Yes, like any threatened species, I’m learning to adapt.

Take that, Alexa.  Game on.

 

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Comments(36)

  1. Siri got snippy with me once after I swore a blue streak at her. “I’m sorry, Lee, I was only trying to be helpful,” she replied in her most sarcastic fembot voice. I’ve been really careful around her since. 😉

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Lee, I’m beginning to think that Siri is really human! These fembots are starting to freak me out.

  2. Ha! I hear ya Laurie! I’m in favor of a manbot, too. Liam Neeson is a good choice for voice…hmmmm….so is Sam Heughan. I can nearly picture it. Me melting every time my device speaks to me like Jamie Fraser…LOL

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Peggy, Yes, I feel there’s a great, untapped market for men-bots. Women can have all the fun of male companionship without breaking any wedding vows! Something to consider.

  3. Siri was flirting with your husband? Oh, and I thought she loved only me… sniff…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Oh no, Bun. I didn’t mean to start any problems between you and Suri. I’m sorry.

  4. Yes, we should be given the option for a male or female voice when we succumb to bringing this technology into our lives! I’d opt to hear Sean Connery or Alan Rickman responding to my requests…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Oooh, Sean Connery. Never thought of that one. Nice touch, Roxanne!

  5. I took my husband’s GPS and put in the voice of a porn star one time. You should have heard it! It was hilarious. Every turn sounded like an orgasm. Hubby almost rear-ended a semi so I had to change it hahahaha! I love the manbot and Liam Neeson yum!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Rena, So funny about the porn star. Can’t even imagine all the implications! Thanks for reading.

  6. What a great post! I Love it. I know the GPS fembot can indeed be a “threat”, especially since most men will NOT read ( or follow) written directions or read a map, but they WILL drool over the GPS…even when it gets them lost! ( Yeah…my brother got lost and missed his international flight once, when the GPS fembot lead him to the wrong area of an international airport for check-in. He couldn’t get another international flight out to the destination for 3 days. LOL.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Darlene, Laughing. Once our GPS chick almost had us drive into a lake! Of course, Randy would never blame her. She can do no wrong. Sigh. What can you do?

  7. We got the Google Home, which sounds more professional than Siri or Alexa. But she still doesn’t understand all the directions or questions and we willingly turned on a device that is collecting data on us. Go figure.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Jennifer, I get a shiver when I think that all these devices collect data. Thank God we’re so boring… at least we hope!

  8. Love this. All I can think of is Rosie on the Jetsons. 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Lisa, I think she was the beginning. I can’t help but wonder if we’ll have Rosie’s in all our future houses!

  9. When Siri first came out, there was a male alternative, and British, no less! Unfortunately, when I asked him things, he gave me British answers. I like your Manbot. I want one too!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Shari, I think I could dig that male British accent. Will have to look into that. I hear the Australian accent is sexy too.

  10. I love it. I’m sitting here giggling and we don’t even HAVE an Alexa. 😉

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thank you, Andrea. It does feel like a ridiculous situation.

  11. Just this afternoon, Siri gave me driving instructions that were clearly stupid. I knew where I was going so I took my usual route and made her keep recalibrating. Ah, the simple pleasures of pissing off your driving maps!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Linda, There are times I couldn’t live without Siri and other times she makes no sense. I never know what “mood” she’ll be in.

  12. Alexa can get so snippy with you if you aren’t polite. We had words.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Beth, Laughing. I swear, Alexa likes my husband better.

  13. A manbot sounds like a good idea! Especially one that cleans up after itself. LOL

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Shari, Can you imagine a manbot that cleans up after us? Every woman would have one!

  14. Count me out on the fembots. They’re listening to us all the time which means… who else can be listening to us? Big Brother is watching.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Brenda, I have no doubt, except we’re so boring, I doubt they get anything interesting from us — “What’s for dinner?” and “Can someone help clean the kitchen?” are typical lines of dialogue in the Stone house. I can see “Alexa” falling asleep.

  15. I’ve actually considered getting one. Then the thought of programming and understanding…. ugh.
    Now if it was a manbot named Daniel…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      They’re fairly easy to set-up, even I could do it, which is miraculous. I agree, though, we need a manbot named Daniel.

  16. Love this! Years ago I changed the one in my car to a man’s voice! And I have the volume on Waze off. The voice of Liam Neeson sounds good to me! When that happens I will turn the volume way up!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Lauren, Never thought of changing the voice! I should try it sometime.

  17. I changed my Siri to a South African male voice. Now I have Trevor Noah helping me find my way in the world. I’m so much happier with him than that all-knowing female Siri. I suggest you secretly change Randy’s Siri. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when he reacts.

    And you’re right, Alexa does respond better to male voices. Anyways, Loved-One says “Change TV input to 3,” and she does it. When I say, “Change TV input to 3,” she puts on episode 3 of Stranger Things.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Adela, Laughing over Alexa changing to “Stranger Things” when you ask. I think you have a blog post there!

  18. Because of you, my friend, we have a sky-blue Alexa sitting proudly on our front hall table. And we love her! She plays the music we want, tells us jokes, describes the day’s forecast, reads the news, and even has been known to sing a pirate ditty if properly encouraged. She keeps my shopping list and reminds me of appointments. AND tells me when my cake is done.
    What did I do without her?
    Uh-oh. I’ve been infiltrated.
    I still wonder if Alexa could be an Alexander, though…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Diane, Wait a second… pirate ditties? I’m always envious of people who find more inventive uses for Alexa. Figures you’d be one!

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