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You know a gentleman when you see him. And I’m not talking Pierce Brosnan in a dinner jacket. I’ve seen scruffy dudes in jeans and beards who were gentlemen. I’ve seen rich guys in expensive suits that could use a refresher course. As a mom of sons, I’m very conscious of raising good men. Lately, I’ve wondered what goes into making a gentleman. For me, its these four traits…

Kindness – I can’t help but feel pride when I see my boys capture an insect indoors and set it free outside. I know, maybe its hokey and I understand bug-phobia and revulsion. (I’ll also admit houseflies and ants don’t get this same level of amnesty). But run-of-the-mill spiders and moths? Why not?

My sons have seen their mother do it all their lives. I like how they do the same. Small an act as this is, for me it speaks to them becoming gentlemen. They see how all life has value, from the tiniest to the mightiest.

Respect for women – Years ago, I’d cringe when I’d hear a mother say of her young son, usually with a hint of pride, “Johnny won’t play with girls.”

I wanted to tell this woman she’s not doing her boy any favors encouraging this belief he’s superior. He’ll always need women for love and support. He’ll encounter female doctors, lawyers, and someday may have a female President. A misogynist attitude will only hinder his journey in life. It might even affect his most precious relationships with wife and daughters.

For me, she’s teaching him the opposite of being a gentleman. She’s teaching him that females are “the other.”

I love the fact both my sons have always had female friends. These young women are confidantes, concert buddies, and many times, fellow artists and musicians. They’re treated with respect, as equals. In some ways, I think this generation has an easier time, since gender roles aren’t so rigid. How wonderful for them. I believe this can only help.

Affection – Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing a father only shake hands with his son, as if real touch is for sissies. On the other hand, I love seeing a grown man kiss his father on the cheek, like my brother used to do with my late father. I love how my husband Randy has always encouraged hugs with his sons. What a wonderful lesson to give young men. Affection is a sign of openness, warmth, and sometimes need. It’s healthy and human.

I see certain politicians and wonder about their upbringing. Were they given any affection as children? Were they allowed to express vulnerability? I’m no psychologist, but I wonder what that does to males.I wonder if boys who grow up starved for touch grow into men who have trouble expressing any tenderness. Touch becomes only sexual. Women are there for conquest, conduits for unmet, and no doubt, subconscious, needs.

And if you go through life like that, always on the prowl, you’ll never be a gentleman. Instead, you’re a hunter. A true gentleman cherishes all a woman has to offer–mind, body and spirit.

Openness – My husband Randy can never get into a taxi without learning the driver’s life history. He jokes around and is curious with all, including waiters, mailmen, and cashiers. He sees and honors the humanity in everyone. He’s quick to smile and laugh. For me, that’s being a gentleman.

What a great lesson to give our sons. Besides teaching them basic manners, they’ve learned to be open and friendly to the world, not fenced off by race, creed, or religion. I’ve always believed if there are no built-in enemies to life, it’s an easier, even happier, existence.

Let’s face it.  The world’s scary and I admit, I get spooked. Now more than ever, we need gentle men, not bullies and aggressors.

And who’s better qualified to teach these softer virtues than mothers? Then again, who better to show how to navigate this world as gentlemen than fathers? What better place is there to raise good men than starting at home?

Today, I feel urgency more than ever. I see adorable baby boys in strollers, in pictures on Facebook, and next to me in supermarkets. It’s exciting. We have a new generation of males to make this right, to not only raise good brothers, sons, and fathers, but something even better.

We have a chance to raise more gentlemen…even if they’re scruffy dudes in jeans.

 

How do you define a gentleman? Comments are always welcome and if you’d like to receive posts by email, just press here. Thank you!

Comments(42)

  1. I like to think our son is a gentleman too – he is considerate of others, a loving husband, and shows a great deal of wisdom. I think bringing our sons (and daughters) up to be confident in themselves and yet respectful of others pays off when they absorb that deep into their characters and live it out as adults. It gives me a great deal of satisfaction and pride when I look at my adult “kids” and see what great people they’ve become. So glad you have the same pleasure.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Yes, Leanne, it gives me a wonderful feeling to not only love my children, but like and respect them as people. If they weren’t my sons, I’d still like them. I take great pride and joy in that.

  2. Really agree with you…… and I worry about my son (17) who at times surprises me with his sensitivity and kindness but more often than not ……doesn’t. I guess it’s a work in progress and I hope all our sons embody the four characteristics you share here!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thanks so much, Paula. I wouldn’t worry at 17. Males are still pretty immature at that age. The fact that you see signs peeking out here and there is what counts.

  3. I think strong women raise gentlemen. You must be so proud of your boys and rightly so.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thanks so much, Corinne. I can only take partial credit. The rest belongs to them.

      1. As a Mom of two daughters, I am happy to read there are moms like you who want to raise their sons to be kind, warm, open gentlemen.

          • Laurie Stone

          • 8 months ago

          Linda, Thank you. I must add, my husband Randy is a wonderful role model!

  4. Can we nominate you for some kind of office? This was such a good, and timely, piece. I’m so proud of my stepsons–their mom and dad did a great job. Everyone who meets them always says the same thing–that they are such gentlemen. And they really are. Your boys are blessed to have you and Randy as role models.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Lee, You never fail to make me laugh! Running for office is something I never considered. I can’t imagine a more fun, lively, interesting step-Mom than you. Those boys are quite lucky.

  5. I love this post. My son is now 31, and a father to both a two year old daughter and a two week old son. It’s been wonderful to see him grow as a man, a husband, a father, and a gentleman. Thank you for sharing!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thanks so much, Mary Fran. I know, its wonderful watching your child grow from boy to man. Part of who he is, he owes to you. Thank you for reading.

  6. My husband raised our four sons to be true gentlemen. His definition? Someone who makes everyone around them as comfortable as possible. As adults, they are fun to be with. I guess he had the right idea! 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Diane, I think your husband’s definition is perfect. You raised four sons? Wow, you could teach classes in raising gentlemen! Thanks for reading.

  7. These are all worthy qualities in men, but are not always the ones emphasized by modern culture. A depressing number of people think a vain, cruel, loud-mouthed bully would make a great American president, for example.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Gee Bun, who could you possibly mean? LOL. I know, depressing is the word.

  8. Oh, I could write a book on this topic:). But I won’t. Here’s to all the mamas and daddies out there making gentlemen happen.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Kristine, Yes, gentlemen seem more important than ever these days. Thanks for reading!

  9. I love this topic, being a mom of teen boys.

    One conversation we’re having a lot recently is about misogyny in the gaming industry and when there’s a female protagonist in action or science fiction movies. I think this is an especially important topic to have with sons. I was amazed to find out there’s a huge backlash against the latest installment in the upcoming Star Wars movie because of its female lead, and then I looked into the subject, and the same could be said of every sci-fi movie with a powerful woman in a lead role going back decades. And women in the gaming industry are belittled, made fun of, and threatened on a regular basis. It’s shameful.

    I’ve always loved that my sons are kind to animals, attentive to their grandparents, use good table manners, etc. Now I’m talking to them about how people behave when they’re behind the cloak of anonymity, and about some of the awful, shocking comments they make online, particularly when it comes to gaming and entertainment.

    I’ve never been one to believe that there is any such thing as “just words,” especially when those words are vile.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      I totally agree there’s no such thing as “just words.” I think we need more nice guys in this world and those videos do nothing but encourage violence among each other and toward women. My kids also went through that phase and thank God, went out of it eventually. Sounds like you’re on the case. Thanks for reading!

  10. As a mum of 4 boys I am always striving to make sure that I’ve raised & am raising gentlemen. They all fill me with pride. 😊

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Linda, I have two grown sons and love when I see them being gentlemen. You have four sons?? You are (or have been) one busy lady!

  11. Nothing so strong as gentleness. Nothing so gentle as real strength!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Diane, So very true.

  12. There’s a saying that you can tell how a man will treat his wife by seeing how he treats his mother. I believe there is truth in this, and it goes hand in hand with what you’ve said about the learning beginning at home.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Lisa, So true. I think there’s great wisdom in that.

  13. I too hope I was successful in raising gentlemen, but time will tell.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Karen, I bet you did!

  14. Laurie,
    What a great topic. I agree with your ‘gentleman’ criteria — and know that I have raised two true gentlemen – perhaps because I’m married to one. They may not always be well-groomed or perfectly behaved – but they are always respectful. They happened to be hardworking and responsible also — but I’ll take respectful and kind over successful any day.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Janet, Me too! Sounds like your two gentlemen are a lot like mine.

  15. If mothering a kind son is the only thing a woman does, it’s more than enough.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Carol, I so agree!

  16. I love this, Laurie! We have a couple of families of boys in our church congregation. Gentle-hearted, love-their-mother boys. I watch them interact with their dads, both of whom think men have to be tough. Even hard. It makes me weep. They are SUCH good boys!
    You don’t have to be tough and hard. You need to be strong. There’s a difference.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Diane, Yes, such a difference between tough and strong. Sometimes gentleness is the greatest strength of all.

  17. I have two young sons and am working hard to make sure they are gentleman. Good work momma. You did your job well.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Lauren, Thanks so much! I’m sure you are too.

  18. I SO love this, Laurie! Sharing…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Thanks so much, Diane!

  19. “Cough.” And double cough. I am with you, my friend.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Carol, Laughing. Yes, double cough, indeed!

  20. Although some things have changed since 2016, the need for gentlemen (and I would also argue for “gentlewomen”) and plain old kindness and curiosity matters.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 months ago

      Pennie, So true about gentle women. Most women I know are kind people, although there are some who could use a refresher course.

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