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You know the feeling. Your family’s going to everyone’s favorite summer spot. In our case, it’s the same house on Cape Cod each year. It’s nice to spend time together, something that’s rare now that the kids are grown. Still, a question lingers — can we survive a week in close proximity? After all, we’re out of practice.

We arrive on Saturday afternoon after a grueling four hour drive. We’ve enjoyed this weathered two-story colonial on Bass River for fifteen years and go through the usual first-day rituals – checking out the water, opening all the windows, getting fans going, making our grocery list, stocking up, and getting our first meal of take-out seafood.

Over the week we eat dinner at that pretty place in West Dennis with the gorgeous gardens, frequent the breakfast joints on Route 28, and devour fried clams, scallops, and onion rings in the back yard. We watch Bass River with its hypnotic, never-ending parade of sailboats, cabin cruisers, and fishing vessels. Swimmers splash around. Seagulls swoop and cry to each other.

We take sentimental journeys past my grandmother’s former motel in South Yarmouth, now owned by a national resort chain. I make my annual pilgrimage to the Kennedy Compound in Hyannis, the one seen in all those documentaries. The place looks the same and is apparently now owned by Ted Kennedy, Jr.

My husband Randy and I enjoy reconnecting with our twenty-something year-old sons, especially Patrick who moved out months ago.

By day five we’ve eaten every kind of lobster, driven past miles of beaches, and made our way to our favorite t-shirt shops. We’re starting to get sick of fried clams. We’ve had almost every meal together and are getting along pretty well, considering. Every night we watch shows on the one ancient television in the living room.

Still, border skirmishes are breaking out.

My sons are drinking all my specially brewed herbal iced tea. I need to write on my laptop in peace, but cable news is always blaring in the living room, now our common area. I’m starting to miss my terrier Libby and am driving everyone crazy with dog stories. How can they not miss her adorable yips?

My husband Randy, ever the musician, plays music constantly. (Does it have to be outside all the time? Can’t we enjoy the sound of birds?) Sometimes, to me, he plays at decibel levels that would close down Woodstock.

I keep my mouth shut…for the most part. Especially since I know he’s getting sick of my compulsive cleaning. I can’t stop emptying garbage cans, wiping counters, straightening like I do back home. Except now it seems magnified and manic in these closer quarters.

Why can’t I relax?

I look around and see our younger selves everywhere. In the backyard is the maple tree where the kids first held Fourth of July sparklers, eyes wide with wonder.

Just off the water sits the dock where they jumped off as little boys, gathering all their courage to take that leap. There were sand crabs in pails, water wings, blue popsicles and inflatable green crocodiles. There was the local arcade and batting cages they’d beg us to take them. Rainy days meant summer blockbusters at the local theater.

But now we’re four adults.

My youngest is always texting his girlfriend. “Can you come up for air once in a while?” I ask, trying to sound like I’m kidding.

“You’re drinking another beer?” I ask my oldest as he reaches for his third “Red Stripe.” I hear myself and cringe. He’s 23. But I can’t help it. Motherhood’s ingrained. I swallow back the poignancy. How did we go from juice boxes to single malts so fast?

The days fly by. Before we know it, it’s time to go. I feel a funny tug. Unlike the old days when we stayed together, our sons are returning to independent lives–jobs, friends, and school.

Another summer vacation has come and gone. We did pretty well for four grown-ups.

Before leaving, I perform my own annual ritual. I walk to the backyard and say goodbye to the river. Without this body of water, without this giver of life and energy and movement, this home would be just another house. But this waterway has watched my family grow. We’ve all changed. We’ve all grown older, but the river has stayed the same. And I find that strangely comforting.

I hear my name called. We’re leaving. I smile and wave goodbye. With God’s grace, we’ll be back. Overhead a seagull swoops and cries. I stand a second and watch it fly away.

 

How do you fare on family vacations? Do you have a favorite spot? Comments are always welcome. Thank you for reading and if you like, please share.

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Comments(68)

  1. Your description of borderline skimishes resonates with me. That easy give and take when you’re used to a person’s moods, behavior, and probably adjust your own accordingly – well, out of practice doesn’t cover it when you’re all thrown together after a long separation.

    But I love your description of rituals -and how we cherish them with repetition – as a kind of walk back into the past, and yet, your longing for the present life you’ve crafted.

    This could have been my exact experience, as a Cape and Vineyard veteran, who went back with my own kids to establish the same routine. Thanks for sweet post.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thank you, Susan. Vacations with grown children are so different then when they’re little. I find it poignant. Thanks for reading.

  2. Just got back from a big family get-together in Michigan. I was very worried about political discussions wrecking the peace but fortunately although we’re divided between conservatives and liberals (with me probably being the farthest to the left, living in liberal NYC), there’s pretty much a universal agreement that Trump’s horrible, which pretty much meant there wasn’t much to argue over.

    I think the biggest tiffs that broke out were between me and my mom – like when I went to make iced tea and somehow she disagreed with the pot I chose for boiling the water – and was persistent about, couldn’t just take my “I’ve got this” and go find something else to do. I’m 49, can I please boil water without supervision! 😀

    Mostly a fantastic gathering though. This annual gathering on a lake is a relatively new thing for the family (gatherings in Michigan go way back but this specific version is new) and this was the first time for my folks and my sister and I to all come. My mom asked my sister and I whether we’d like to make this an annual thing too, but I couldn’t say yes – I’d absolutely love to do it again but I can only take so much vacation in the summertime and I do pull off the occasional amazing solo adventure in that time frame, I just can’t quite bring myself to saying yes to same time every year, because who knows what amazing thing I might have the chance to do at this time next year? Just can’t close the door on other possibilities like that…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Bonnie, Laughing over your Trump quote. Yes, who knew he could unite previously politically-divided families? So funny. I also love your solo adventure idea. Very intriguing. You’ve got some thoughts of my own percolating. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

  3. Hi Laurie,
    1. It sounds like you had a nice time and made memories. I’m glad.
    2. I have similar issues, I am sure many midlifers do. My youngest will be 20 this November, so still 19. I feel like I’m always questioning her, and then I feel guilty. To compensate, I don’t question enough, and then I feel guilty.
    We try to plan family vacations, but they want to work and attend summer school in the summer. So, no more family vacations? So not okay with me.
    Thanks for writing a very relatable post. It struck a nerve.
    Janice

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thanks so much for reading, Janice. Its hard to find that balance between wanting to know what’s going on with our kids, but not asking too much. I’m still trying to find it and my sons are in their twenties!

    • Lois

    • 8 years ago

    I had to read this right away, as we are on vacation with Don’s family for two weeks. Twenty-four people was fun when it was 11 adults and 13 children, but now there are only five kids left that are under the age of 18! I was sitting at the dinner table thinking about how much the balance has changed, and had very mixed emotions.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Lois, It definitely changes the dynamics when its mostly adults. Its still fun, but different. I can’t believe you guys have 24 people for two weeks! That’s a testament to how well you all get along. The balance definitely changes when its mostly adults, however. Thanks so much for reading.

  4. This post tugged at my heartstrings a little. I can relate to the annual family vacation and how hard it is for us to find the time for a whole week together now that the children are grown adults. As they get older and have lives of their own I treasure anytime they choose to spend with us.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Lori, We had to choose a week my oldest could join us. I was surprised and flattered Patrick still wanted to come. It is very bittersweet to go to the same place each year, and have everyone (except me and my husband of course) getting older. Thanks so much for reading!

  5. Hi Laurie,
    The next best thing to sitting next to you at our writing group is reading this. I related to some of the feelings in your writing and loved reading it. So good and honest. You are the real deal.
    So when and where?

    H

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Helen, So great to hear from you and thank you for the kind words. I feel we have another Gold’s meeting coming up, but that’s me. I’m also open to anything else. Miss you.

  6. I kind of like vacationing with my adult children. I’m not as afraid they will drown. Now I’m afraid they’ll crash the car. It never ends, does it?

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Michelle, Laughing. You just described motherhood to a tee.

  7. You made me a bit childhood homesick for the foods I grew up with during summer!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Haralee, We’re going to the Cape next week. Can’t wait to dig into fried clams and fries, all the things I studiously avoid back home.

  8. Beautiful writing that brings us right along with you. All these details you’ve included are so real and vivid, I can practically feel the cabin fan blowing on my legs and hear the rush of the river. A tender, sweet moment with your grown family. Thank you for sharing.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Julie, Thanks so much. It seems like yesterday my boys were running around with water wings. Now, I’ll hear the car pull in late at night and have no idea where they’ve been… probably the same dance clubs I used to go to!

  9. We went on a family vacation to Hawaii last fall. It was the first time the 4 of us were alone on vacation together in 10 years. What I experienced was that my kids are basically the same people they were at 5, 15…and the same things that I fretted about back then still made me worried, the same things that I adore about them I still do. I felt melancholy, like you did. Where did those little people go??

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Sharon, The funny thing is I remember those vacations being a lot of work — laundry, feeding and entertainment needs never changed, even on vacation. And yet, here I am, nostalgic for those sweet times. Time goes too fast.

  10. Yes things aren’t the same any more but still somehow just as fun!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Wendy, These family vacations are fun in a different way. My boys and I laugh as much as ever and I find them informed and smart. Its a treat to spend time with them. I feel lucky they want to!

  11. I used to vacation every year with my two brothers and one of my sisters, but those days are long past and two of the siblings have died. Things change and it’s time to change and do something different. I don’t really vacation with my son, his intensity just doesn’t work well with my need to actually relax on vacation. We have invited him a couple of times, but I think even he realizes it’s not always a good match!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Jennifer, I’m so sorry about your siblings! That must be rough. I also have family members I no longer vacation with, because its not a good fit, chemistry-wise. Way too intense for me too! I think we have a right to have a real vacation without being stressed out.

        • Jill

        • 7 years ago

        I totally agree. You have to do what works for you. I am better one on one with my 2 adult children esp as they are so different.

          • Laurie Stone

          • 7 years ago

          Jill, You’re right. Whatever works. You’re wise to see how one-on-one is best for you and your kids.

  12. I remember when we dragged our teenagers on vacation. My son, truly felt like it was a punishment to leave his friends. Now that he is 35………….I heard him talking about the fantastic trip to Europe that the four of us went on when he was a junior in high school. I almost fell off my chair! So, the point is………these memories that we create with our kids are so important. Keep the communication open and alive………even when their eyes are rolling!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Ellen, My kids also said the same thing about a trip to Europe. They kvetched the whole time (mostly about having to get up early for tours), but years later speak of the trip fondly. Go figure!

  13. What a lovely post–and wonderful tradition. May it continue for as long as possible. “How did we go from juice boxes to single malts so fast?”–that line struck me.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Roxanne, Going next week, this time with a son’s girlfriend in tow! How times have changed.

  14. I’ve never taken a holiday with my adult children and it was so interesting reading your take on things. Of course, my children are both in their mid 30s now but I think I would be like you with the drinking. I think it is hard sometimes to accept and realise they are adults and independent and that is what we taught them to be. #womenofmidlife I’ve shared on my ST60 & Beyond Facebook page.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Sue, So true. We get what we wish for — them to be independent adults. But its still hard watching them acting like fully-independent adults, no longer
      subject to our influence.

  15. I’m glad to read that you got to spend some time with family in such a nice setting. Enjoy the rest of your summer.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Karen, Thanks so much!

  16. I realize this post was in the past, but just as wonderful to read this summer. I enjoy your writing very much! You have a great voice. You paint a picture with your words.

    I love family vacations! I am especially looking forward to this summer because we have two flying the coop for college (one is going at 16 for a gifted program). We will only have our son at home. He is a freshman in high school. It does go by too quickly.

    We have never been to Cape Cod. I hope to do this one of these years (if the girls still want to vacation with us after they start college. I think they will).

    Do you rent a home through VRBO or have a family home there? Have you seen the movie The Way Way Back? One of my favorites. I don’t believe the setting is Cape Cod, but it feels like a beach on the east coast. Anyway, it’s on my list of places I want to visit. I LOVE seafood and I love going somewhere I’ve never been.

    Happy summer to you!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Tomi, You should definitely visit Cape Cod! This summer didn’t work out for us there and we’re heartbroken. We contact this realtor…http://www.petersonrealty.com… and they’re very helpful. Rentals might be scarce now, but you never know! Thank you for your kind words. They’re always appreciated.

      1. Thank you, Laurie! I can always look for next year. This summer we are spending a week in California. We are going to fly into San Jose and then head up to Hearst castle. Plus, we get to see the redwoods, which I am really excited about.
        And, you’re welcome regarding the kind words. You have found your niche with writing. It’s terrific to see.:)

          • Laurie Stone

          • 6 years ago

          Tomi, Thanks so much! I would love to see Hearst Castle and that part of California. Sounds like a wonderful trip. Have a great time!

  17. We raised our children in the campground at Kimball Lake, Saskatchewan. And at our condo in Banff. We still go (although the lake has become too crowded and we’ve moved our camp closer to home.). With some, or all of the kids and grandkids. WE LOVE IT!!!
    So far, friction has been avoided . . .

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Diane, That sounds like so much fun, being with your children and grandchildren on vacation. Can’t wait for those days!

  18. Honestly, this is a struggle for my family as well! I’m the oldest sibling and many of the issues that arise are based on activity. My dad books a trip to a place on a beach and that’s it. But I’m a wanderer. I like to explore cities rather than be couped up at a resort.
    We are going to Miami next month and he still doesn’t get it! I just want to see more than a beach.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Diana, I agree, vacations can bring out different personalities and needs. My husband can sit most of the time. Like you, I also need to get out and explore. It can be a tough situation, but I guess finding some compromise is the only way.

  19. It’s amazing how things change so quickly. Even though we don’t have kids, But you really brought on feelings of nostalgia from vacations in years gone by.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Megan, Thank you. I always get nostalgic for the Cape if I’m away too long. Some places are magical.

    • Kim

    • 6 years ago

    By necessity, our family of 3 adults still vacations together. Just once I’d LOVE for my husband and me to have a room to ourselves when we’re on vacation but finances don’t allow us to book a separate room for our (disabled adult) son. This year our trip took us to 2 locations, and I think having a day of travel breaking up the trip helped. Usually by day 3 I’m ready to go home!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Kim, As caretaker to your disabled son, it doesn’t give you much downtime, I imagine. If possible, it would be wonderful if you and your husband someday got your own room, maybe a connected one to your son. I’m sure its easier said than done. All the best to you.

  20. Had to go to Google Maps to see your vacation location. Is this the Bass River that flows between Kelley’s Bay and Grand Cove? (There are several worldwide!) It looks absolutely lovely! How I envy you your vacations here!
    Of course Covid has put a whole new spin on spending time together. We are either spending every day together (with one group) or can’t see each other at all (everyone else).
    We go to Banff for our annual vacation. The family has grown so much that only one of our kids (with spouse and family) can come at a time.
    The memories are just SO thick there! All of my kids learned to swim in that pool. We’ve hiked those trails so many times they have become personal friends.
    Love this, Laurie!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Thank you, Diane. Unfortunately, we had to cancel going to Cape Cod this year. It was with a very heavy heart. Sounds like Banff is your Cape Cod. Bass River flows through Dennis and South Yarmouth and into the Atlantic Ocean, a small, but beautiful river.

  21. I know what you mean. This is the first summer we will not be going to my hometown because my mom passed and our house is gone. It hurts too much to go. I find any vacation except going to a tropical beach locale to be anything but unstressful. But I still enjoy the change of scenery, And by the way, I never tire of eating lobster!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Lauren, I love lobster too. Sorry for all the changes in your life after your mom passed. It’s a difficult passage within a tough time in the country. Best to you.

  22. […] & Scribbles wasn’t able to get to Cape Cod this summer because of the virus. She came across this essay, written a year ago, about vacationing with adult children. It left her nostalgic. So much has […]

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Thanks for posting, Jennifer!

  23. I really got a longing for the way things used to be, for me, too. Time only goes one way, sadly.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Carol, I’ve been thinking about that lately. How hard it is to be human with this constant, relentless flow of time, always in the same direction. Is it me or does it get harder as we get older?

    • Carol Cassara

    • 3 years ago

    That is exactly why I do solo retreats…I start one Monday for a monh!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Carol, Also love solo retreats! One month sounds amazing.

  24. I love this! So poignant. So touching, it brought tears to my eyes. Those special places that see our kids grow and then bring along their kids so the cycle can start over. We’re again off to Banff this year, but camping is canceled again as camping in anything but a palatial motorhome is prohibited (us died-in-the-wool tenters are out of luck!).
    We are looking forward to Banff, however. We’ll all be vaccinated by that point and can again have ‘family’ time! SO looking forward to it!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Diane, Banff sounds wonderful. Hope you have a great time!

  25. Great post. Those “little kid” days went by soooooo fast even though it didn’t seem that way at the time.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Paula, Motherhood shows time can go both fast and slow at the same time!

  26. My very most favourite thing to do in the world is sitting and visiting with my kids. We are HUGE visitors. Now more and more of the older grandkids are sitting around the circle with us. Vacation, to me, has become one long, uninterrupted conversation.
    Bliss!
    SO looking forward to it this year!!!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Diane, Sounds wonderful and kids learn so much, just sitting in the circle with adults. It helps them in so many ways, especially in a loving family like yours.

  27. My family vacations are usually mother/daughter trips which I love.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Rebecca, That sounds wonderful! Such a great way to bond.

  28. Such great joy in the post!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 9 months ago

      Carol, Thank you!

  29. Our problem now is sheer numbers. We’ve gone from our eight original family members to 32! Sadly, getting everyone there is impossible. So we go family by family. Still loving it!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 9 months ago

      Diane, That is a big family! You must have such fun reunions.

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