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You know the feeling. You spend much of your life thinking something’s wrong. You’re alone a lot, usually with your nose in a book or daydreaming. But then someone puts a label on it and everything falls into place. You’re an introvert. You’re wired differently. And even better, you realize this trait comes with some great benefits…

You like your own company – Ever notice how after a meeting, people like to linger and talk in small groups? I never got that. Even if the gathering went well — even if a great time was had by all –I can’t get out fast enough.

That’s when you know you’re an introvert. It has nothing to do with the other people. They’re usually smart, interesting, and nice. You just want to get back on your own turf. When younger, I thought something was wrong. Now I realize it’s a gift to like your own company.

You protect yourself — I know outgoing humans who thrive on days filled with schmoozing, meetings, and people, people, people! They love talking, persuading, and discussing. Politicians and salespeople come to mind.

That life would exhaust me. And I used to think I needed to keep up with more extroverted friends and relatives. Yet I’ve learned to be gentle with myself, to do what feels right. I’ve learned to balance the need for people with the need for solitude.

You like to think – And this means pondering everything – from world politics to what kind of dark chocolate has better flavor to who has the worst plastic surgery on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

My biggest fear is not having time to organize my thoughts, like when I have to introduce myself in a formal group. I fumble for words. I over-think it. My heart beats fast. I envy people who effortlessly talk off the cuff. Instead, I need time to process. Even better, I need to see my thoughts on paper. Maybe that’s why so many writers are introverts.

You need people… just not all the time — This goes for everyone, even your family and best friends.

I’m travelling with my mother this spring. The first thing we said when booking hotels was we needed separate rooms. She’s also an introvert. We get that about each other. It has nothing to do with if you love someone or how close you are. Introverts need privacy, our own sacred space to be ourselves.

You’re sensitive – I realized this as a 6th grader. One day mean females were teasing a heavy girl sitting near me on the school bus. She put on a brave front, but I could tell was ready to cry.

I noticed she was wearing a new outfit. I wondered if she had put on that red skirt with hopes of a good day, maybe even making friends. Now I heard kids whispering cruel things about her. I wanted to tell them to stop, but lacked the courage. Meanwhile, the rest of the bus paid no attention.

Since then, I’ve felt this way many times. There’s too much violence, cruelty, and indifference in this world. And like the bus, I feel affected by it. Many times I’ve reminded myself its the sensitive and brave who make the best changes. I have the first part down. I’m working on the second.

You’re cautious – My late father could run and dive into any body of water, no matter how cold or intimidating. I always admired him for that. Me? I’d creep bit by bit into lakes others could jump into within minutes.

And this is how introverts take life. We go slow, inch-by-inch, whether new experiences, people, or places. Yet there’s a benefit. When you go slower, you notice things — that shy smile, a cat bathing in the sun, the way the clouds form patterns above. 

In the end, it’s different, but it’s also nice.

I’ve come to terms with never having the social stamina of a politician or salesperson. I don’t know how they go through their days, always being on, having such little private, reflective time.

I guess we all have to accept who we are.

And I wouldn’t swap my life of reading, daydreaming and pondering for anything.

 

Are you an introvert? Comments are always welcome and if you like, please share. Thank you.

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Comments(88)

  1. I have always said that I am an extroverted introvert. Left to myself, I’d prefer to be… left to myself! I know you get this.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Carol, I’ve heard many introverts say they love people… just not in huge doses. Some say socializing is like eating sugar. You love it in small bites but can’t make a meal out of it. Thanks for reading!

      1. That’s me. I want to be around people…sometimes. I want to chit-chat, do things with people, etc. But then I want to be alone.

          • Laurie Stone

          • 3 years ago

          Jennifer, So relate to that. My fuse for socializing is very short.

  2. Definitely an introvert here! I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who loves libraries, especially in this age of digital downloads and Kindles.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Lisa, I never seem to outgrow libraries. For me, they’re holy places. Thanks for reading.

  3. I like your blog. Thanks for the post, I feel like I could have written it. The library is my favorite place to be. I also love coffee shops, though. I like Carol Cassara’s line… and I think I am an extroverted introvert.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Angel, I think many introverts like socializing. I know I do. Its just after awhile, we need to recharge our batteries with alone time. Thanks for reading.

    • Dana

    • 8 years ago

    Is it possible to go through phases of introvert and extrovert? When I was a kid, all I wanted was to be with people, neighbors, friends, anyone who’d let me hang around! Then, when I was a teenager, I was by myself a lot, and didn’t seek out company at all. Then, as a young adult, particularly at my first job, I was back to wanting everyone to be around me, going out of my way to make new friends, and probably annoying them in the process. Gradually, that tapered off, and I was back to being more comfortable by myself, again.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Dana, That’s a good point. I’ve also gone through very social times. But they’re always followed by needing quiet. I can’t seem to have one without the other. Thanks for reading!

  4. I used to be a big extrovert, but after years of being buried in work, coming into my own real world, I find I have lost some of my skills…then I decided maybe I have just been an introvert all along!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      That’s funny. I think we don’t know ourselves as well when we’re young. It isn’t till we’re older that we find out who we really are.

    • jmcurran

    • 8 years ago

    One would think I am an extrovert but I love life quiet as well. With no traveling, I am enjoying home, getting dust out of corners, reading and writing. Though I must admit I had a big fat Makers Mark Manhattan with a buddy the other night, and I cherished the company.

    I’m an extrovert on the cusp of introvert. Really, I am.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Joan, you’re an extrovert with the heart of an introvert. BTW, that Makers Mark Manhattan sounds good! Thanks for reading.

  5. This could have been written by me, almost word for word. I have someone in my life who is extroverted, and I’ve gotten so much grief from her about some of my behaviors (especially because I like to sit and listen to discussions for a while before leaping in – it drives her crazy. Her prompting me to leap in right away drives me crazy). Now I can tell her “this is the way I am, that is the way you are, and why don’t we both accept that, and honor our differences.”

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Alana, We can only be who we are. As we get older, we discover that truth. Thank you for reading.

    • Linda

    • 8 years ago

    As an extrovert mom of an introvert child, I find myself in tears over this article. I’ve known for a long time that she and I are very different people. I couldn’t love her more if I tried. But we extroverts often feel we’ve failed those introverts in our lives. We are looking for out-loud confirmation of our relationship; something that is often very difficult for the other person. So she and I use texting…a lot! It gives us both a chance to think before we “speak”. She needs to type it out. As she puts it, “I know what I want to say, but I can’t make the words come out of my mouth.” But boy can she put them in writing! After 20 years of parenting her, you would think I would know how this works. But we struggle constantly as she breaks free of childhood and goes out into the world on her own. And I pray a lot! So for all you introverts out there, be patient with the extroverts in your lives. They are just trying to understand!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Linda, Sounds like you’re a great Mom. It also sounds like you might have a writer on your hands. If anything, the extroverts have to be patient with us! Thanks so much for reading.

  6. I used to always describe myself as an introvert, but it depends what people mean by the term. I think I’m pretty close to your description of yourself. The reason for my hesitation to embrace the term, though, is that I’ve read blogs where self-identifying introverts say that being introverted has nothing to do with shyness but simply means preferring one’s own company.

    I don’t think I fit this latter definition. I’ve always been shy, but I do like other people. I’m just a little afraid of them since I’m apparently something of an oddball and don’t seem to think about things or react in the same way as most of them.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Bun, I’m a mixture of both. I love socializing but have a limited attention span for it. After an hour (2 max) I’m ready to go back to my books. Sad but true.

    1. Great common sense here. Wish I’d thghout of that.

        • Laurie Stone

        • 8 years ago

        Thanks so much for reading, Tisha!

  7. I love this! I felt like I was reading about myself. So few people understand, they think we hate people and that isn’t it at all. I have been an Introvert all my life and I’ve tried at times to be different but I can only be happy this way. The only thing I don’t like is the doubt concerning social situations I will go over conversations I had, ask my husband if I did ok.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Heidi, You sound like a kindred spirit. I have a very outgoing husband and sometimes I’ll also second-guess myself after an event. This drives him crazy since he takes the world (and himself) as it comes. Wish I could have his confidence, but I guess we have to accept ourselves. Thanks for reading.

    • Liz

    • 7 years ago

    I love my alone time!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      I do too, Liz. Couldn’t live without it.

  8. No harm in some alone time! Even better, if you can enjoy it. Thanks for the great post.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thanks so much, Shari. I have to admit, I can’t live without alone time. Always the introvert.

  9. I spent over 15 years in Sales, albeit as an Account Rep (which means that my primary goal was to nurture clients and grow business within). Prior to that, I was an inside rep who talked on the telephone all day long. So I’ve had to learn to “fake” being an extravert. And over time, I built up my stamina and was able to maintain that “persona” but would always have to spend time alone to recover and renew.
    Now since I’ve taken my early retirement, I’m slowly accepting that I am an introvert living in a world that values extraverts more. Not sure why it is so difficult for me.
    Thanks for the post. It makes me feel better. 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Marian, I think many introverts learn to fake it from an early age. It wasn’t till I grew older and even heard the term, “introvert”, I was finally able to learn about myself and others. Its nice to finally put a label on something, instead of thinking something’s wrong.

  10. I am an extroverted introvert, I love people but they drain me. My primary method of recharge is alone time. While I can go long periods without being around people and can’t go for long without being alone.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Beth, You’re definitely an introvert. People drain me too, although I need them and miss them if I’m alone too much. But where I need a drop of socializing, I need a river of private time.

  11. I am definitely an introvert, Laurie, even though I can be the life of the party when I am socializing and don’t tend to be shy. I can only stand to be around people so long before I need recharging in a quiet space, preferably alone. I am content with my own company and love quiet time to read, write, think. And I will never jump into the water, I’m always going to wade out little by little.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Molly, I would venture to guess many writers fall into the introvert category. Most are readers, which are quiet, solo activities. We need those times to feel human again. I know I do!

  12. Definitely! I’m an introvert, and it does have benefits. And I really believe that introverts are very important. I think that balance is needed – introverts balance the extroverts and perform an important role in the world. (The quietly getting on with stuff in the background role, probably!)

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Yes, We introverts balance the outward-directed energy of extroverts. I think we tend to exercise more caution in life, which sometimes this world needs!

  13. I loved this post because it recognizes that humans need a little bit of time to themselves, even the party-girls! According to Myers-Briggs (MBTI), introversion/extroversion are measures for how are temperaments derive energy. Introverts need time alone to recharge, even though, like many commented, they can still be talkative and energetic. Extroverts need to be around people and social situations to refill their energy levels. I would classify myself as an introvert close on the heels of mild extroversion (heavens, sounds like a medical condition!). As we get older, we can move from introversion to extra…I know I did in my mid-40s. But I still need my alone time!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Terri, I find I love being with people, but around the two hour mark, I’m done. I’m talked out and listened out. I wish I had more social stamina. Some people are just getting started at that time!

  14. I think I am with Carol. I am an extroverted introvert. I love being with my friends and can be very social but other times, I shut myself in. It takes a lot for me to put myself out there with people I dont know.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Stacey, I also like people, but I find after the two hour mark I’m done. Even with good friends. I wish I had more social energy, but we have to accept ourselves, I guess.

  15. I am learning more and more that I am and always have been an intervert. I can be super outgoing, but can just as easily sit at home with a blankie and pillow. Depends on my mood and if it’s raining out. Who feels like going out when it’s raining?
    Amy Schumer has an entire chapter in her book describing how she too is an intervert!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Beth, Love the blankie and pillow! I can also be outgoing as many introverts can. I guess we just burn out faster. I never would’ve guessed that about Amy.

  16. I think I am like Beth. I am an introvert-extrovert. Someone on FB just shared another article I read tonight on this topic. I couldn’t decide on that one either. By your standards, I’m primarily introvert, but there are times I can’t stand being alone. Other times, like you, I’m the first one away from the party. Been that way all my life. Makes life very confusing. My primary leaning, though is introverted. Thanks for sharing this as a “benefit!”

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Marsha, I think being an introvert is a benefit, but I wish I had the social stamina of extroverts. That’s something I envy.

    • Sue

    • 7 years ago

    I’m a combination of both introvert and extrovert. I do love my time on my own with a bubble bath, a good book and a glass of red. That is bliss!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Sue, You just described a wonderful evening!

  17. Yep – I see a lot of myself in this. Thx for sharing.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Paula, I found once I understood the word “introvert,” everything fell into place.

  18. It’s been beaten to death but it is 100% ME: I’m an introvert for all of the reasons and traits and things you stated above and most of all because I need solitude to recharge. People often mistake me for an extrovert – – until I vanish on them into a quiet space for some alone time!!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Carla, I vanish myself. People are always asking, “Where did you go?” Sometimes I’ll even say, “I need my introvert time.” Most understand.

  19. You can sit at your desk most afternoons and work a novel!! Works for me.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Beth, I happen to have a novel I’m working on! Not sure how you could write one as an extrovert, although I’m sure its happened.

  20. I’ve come to realize that I possess a lot of these characteristics. I too used to think something was ‘wrong’ with me, now I just embrace it. And you know what? There’s a whole lot more peace in my life now. 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Chistina, Somehow when we learn who we are, and accept it, life gets easier. When I realized I didn’t have to “keep up” with the more outgoing extroverts in my life, things got better. Glad to hear you’re the same.

  21. If personalities were like astrology, my sun would be in extroversion and my moon in introversion. As much as I love talking and socializing, I also need to have my alone time to sit with my thoughts. I think you have nailed it–we need to honor our own needs and not feel pressured to perform a certain way to fit in.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Lee, You’re obviously charming and social, but since you’re such a good writer, I believe you must have an introverted side. Looks like you have a good balance of the two.

    • CJ

    • 5 years ago

    I love all these points – the best part of being an introvert is enjoying your own company.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      CJ, As someone once said, “I never have had a bad time when alone.” Love that.

  22. I am an extrovert. Interestingly I never have music playing or have the TV on when I am gathering myself in down time. My home is usually very quiet. I realize that as an extrovert it is easy for others to ride my coat tails or suck the life from me to be ‘On’. I try to eliminate those people from my life.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Haralee, Its a good to ease out of relationships that are high maintenance and demand things we don’t want to give. Sounds like you’re a quiet extrovert, I love that.

  23. Oh, my word! It’s me! I love people! When they are somewhere else.
    I love my ME time for thinking and reading and writing. I love libraries. I love watching people. And yes, I do inch my way into the lake (Life) a centimeter at a time!
    We’re such kindred spirits!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Diane, We’re totally kindred spirits. I’m not surprised at all you’d need lots of reflective time. It shows in your beautiful writing.

  24. Have you ever read “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop talking” by Susan Cain? I highly recommend it. My hubby and daughters are introverts. I have an extrovert son and I’m an ambivert (right in the middle). And I love the library!!!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Leah, Yes! I read it and loved it. In fact, it was the first time I understood myself as an introvert, rather than feeling like a weirdo. I think being an ambivert might be the best of all worlds. I wish I had more social energy, but we can’t change who we are.

  25. I like being an introvert because I always enjoy my own company. I need that time alone to feel balanced and centered.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Tamara, I think that’s the true meaning of an introvert, needing time alone. I’d like to be more social, but alas, we can’t change who we are.

  26. The last pharmaceutical company I worked for, did all kinds of personality tests so we could evaluate ourselves and use it as a growth tool in our sales profession. It was interesting and really turned out to be a good tool for self reflection. Surprisingly not all of my coworkers were extroverts like one would think in a high pressure sales job.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Haralee, I always think of sales people as being high energy extroverts. Interesting that some weren’t.

  27. This is SO me! I’m recharging now from having spent my morning with my teenagers. I love them so much, but I do need my recovery time.
    Husby is busily planning our winter vacation. He loves to go. Anywhere. And hj loves to invite people to come along. So far, in the eight weeks we will be there (we’ve rented a five-bedroom house!) we will have at least one other couple/family there with us. Sometimes two or three. No ‘me ‘ time at all.
    I will definitely need a vacation to recover from my vacation!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Diane, Although fun, I find it hard to travel or stay with a group. Everything always seems slower (or faster) than my natural speed and I always feel guilty for needing more downtime than every one else. There are fun moments though!

  28. I get this. I am an introvert, but I do love being with people. But sometimes, I prefer to be alone or with just one or two people. I work in Customer Service and through the years, people have asked me if I wanted to go work in the stores or branches…but no. That would mean talking to people face to face. It’s different than over the phone, where I can still be isolated by my desk area.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Jennifer, Never thought of that. If I had to choose, I might like a mixture of phone and faces. Too much of either would drive me crazy.

  29. Definite introvert here and I found myself ticking off all the boxes. I will say, though, that the need to stay at home right now is just like any other normal day for me and I am not goung nuts with the lack of social interaction. I have been in training for this my whole life!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Shelley, You and me both. I have no trouble interacting with very few people everyday. It’s starting to scare me.

  30. I love the twist you always have on topics. Like this one. Yep. I’m also a cool introvert!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Carol, I can see that!

  31. And now I’m getting even more cautious! I no longer inch my way into the lake (or life). I’m happily sitting on the bank in the warm sunshine!
    This pandemic has taught me many things. I do well with isolation, but too much of it is . . . too much! 😉
    Sometimes I definitely need my people!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Diane, I also like sitting on the shore, watching. And I agree, too much isolation can be depressing.

    • Pam

    • 3 years ago

    I’m an introvert too. I always had lots of friends but was always relieved to leave large gatherings. Now, I tend to avoid the gatherings altogether!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Pam, I’m the same way. I like smaller gatherings that start early and end early. I guess my age is showing.

  32. I have always been an introvert, just couldn’t put a name on it when young. I enjoy socializing in small groups, but don’t like big events and making chit-chat and ‘working the room’.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Meryl, Yup. You’re an introvert.

  33. I find I’m a little of both. I like being out with people but I also need my own space. At conferences, instead of sharing a room, I spend the extra bucks to get my own room. I need my own bathroom. I definitely have a shy side and that’s probably why I’m blogging. Still, I love a good party but don’t hang out all night.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Rebecca, I can’t imagine sharing a room, although people do it all the time. I need my space. Sounds like you do too.

  34. I love being an introvert. Alone time is so precious to me!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Carol, I think many writers feel the same.

  35. I am a contented introvert. I like to be with people, talk to people, enjoy their friendship, but not all the time. And in small groups. I am not a big party gal.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Meryl, I’m the same way. Also have a two-hour limit on most social engagements. Ready to go after that.

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