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Are you prone to nervous spells? Overthinking? Sweating not just the small stuff but, well… everything? Then like me, you may be neurotic. Over the years I’ve learned certain situations trigger the anxious, jumpy rabbit in me. Yet the good news is I’ve recently learned this fascinating coping technique.

First, here are some triggers…

Doctor’s offices—For me, this is the penultimate of nervousness. I don’t care if it’s the dentist, gynecologist, internist, ophthalmologist, dermatologist or witch doctor. I’m a quaking, miserable mess. I lose my cookies. My heart races.  I assume the worst…always.

I don’t care if I’m picking up a prescription from the receptionist. Just entering the office itself gives me jitters. My doctor said I have the worst case of “white-coat syndrome” he’s ever seen. Nurses shake their heads in pity. I hate being this afraid. But there I am.

Jury duty – I was recently called to be a first-day juror. The strange part is I’ve been a juror before. What got me scared this time was the dreaded “Voir dire.” This is where you sit in the witness box in the courtroom. A cranky lawyer fires questions like you just held up a liquor store.

Each query takes five minutes to ask. They use terms like “questionable doubt” vs. “legal intent” vs. “admissible evidence.” I give what I hope is a coherent answer. My mouth dries up.  I’m not used to thinking this hard. I’m sure everyone’s judging me, including the defendant. I want to go home and eventually I do, but first I sweat it out. (By the way, I didn’t get selected. Shocking, but true).

Crowded elevators—This always happens to me. I’m 5’3” and the rest of the world seems huge. Men in particular are towering giants. The more packed the elevator, the more I end up plastered against the back wall.

That’s when my claustrophobia kicks in. I imagine getting stuck between floors, all these people trapped in this small space! There’s no air! I can’t breathe! Just thinking about it makes me panicky. At the moment I’m ready to claw the walls, the doors open. I sigh, thanking the elevator Gods.

Small Talk – I must confess, I’m good for about 30 minutes at large social gatherings. I rotate the room several times, looking for a friendly face, but then panic sets in. A woman’s coming toward me; I sort of recognize her. I’m going to have to make that dreaded party-speak.

We do pretty well for a few minutes. But then comes that awkward moment when we run out of things to say. We each scan the party with forced smiles, as if checking everything out. But secretly we’re scrambling for the next bon mot. I start getting nervous. Where’s the nearest exit? My comfy clothes and book beckons.

Airport gates – This neurosis isn’t to be confused with the actual plane. Oh no, the gates have their own brand of crazy-making. First are those huge windows where you see how bad the weather is or the fact the plane’s not here yet. Why, I wonder? What happened? Was there engine failure? Oh God, I’m expected to board this crippled plane when it finally limps in?

Then there’s the constant drone of cable news squawking from ceiling monitors every twenty feet. Who got the brilliant idea to recite to already-jittery passengers the world’s crises every fifteen minutes? Get me out of here.

Airplanes— Does much need to be said about neurotics and planes? I have tried everything and I mean everything (chill pills, booze, meditation, videos, books, magazines) to convince myself I’m safe in a vacuum-packed tin can 35,000 feet in the air. Forget it. I’m a mess…the entire flight.

But here’s the good news… 

Author Elizabeth Gilbert was interviewed recently on her best selling book, “Big Magic.” She talked about fear. And what she said made my day and might even have helped.

She said… get this, it’s okay to be afraid.

What?  I’ve spent my entire life trying to outsmart fear. I’ve pushed it away. I’ve told myself its not there. Now I’m supposed to hang out with it?

But then I remembered something. Every time I try and ignore anxiety, it clings to me like a crying toddler.

Elizabeth said fear should be allowed to stay, but with certain ground rules.

Fear must stay in the background. Fear cannot try and run the show. Fear cannot keep me from living life. Fear cannot take over.

Phew, I thought, all this makes sense in a strange, neurotic way. Maybe my problem hasn’t been fear, as much as fearing fear itself. (Thank you, FDR).

I will still do things that spook me. But this time, I’ll admit I’m scared. I won’t try and outrun my feelings which only adds to the tension.

I’ll accept who I am.

And maybe, finally, that jumpy rabbit will calm down.

 

How about you?  Do you struggle with anxiety?  I love comments.  Thank you for reading and sharing!

Comments(58)

  1. Jury duty and small talk, definitely, but my jury duty is more having to go somewhere unfamiliar all by myself. The traffic, seeing nothing but strangers, and being anxious about what I’m going to eat if I’m there through lunch (all my annoying food intolerances). Now sometimes I’ll find myself anxious over things going on at work. I’ll have to talk myself out of having a full blown anxiety attack. Interesting that when I feel it coming on, if I start screaming at my boys for whatever, the anxiety subsides. I suppose the screaming distracts. My poor boys though. Although I’m sure they did SOMETHING to deserve a good scolding. 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving, Laurie!!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      I love that, Karen! Maybe I should’ve screamed at the lawyer, my anxiety would’ve subsided. A wonderful and unique approach. You also have a great Thanksgiving.

        • Lois Logan

        • 8 years ago

        That would have gotten you off the jury, for sure!

          • Laurie Stone

          • 8 years ago

          The fact that I made note how young the defendant looked (he appeared about 19) also did me in. The prosecutor asked if that would make me sympathetic.
          I said no, but that’s all she wrote. They said thanks but no thanks.

  2. Oh gawd small talk! Once you bring up the weather, I suddenly have to find the nearest lavatory!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Small talk seems to have hit a nerve with many, Sandra. So glad I’m not the only one.

  3. I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) so worry, fear, and tension are something I have to manage every day in almost every situation. A lot of people have anxiety disorders, and it’s more prevalent in women. Oh, joy. I find that mindfulness helps (zen buddhist meditations specifically) as does yoga. I also have to maintain a good eating and sleeping schedule, and I can’t overschedule myself. Thanks for raising awareness through specific examples. People who are “chill” have a hard time understanding, “What’s the big deal?”

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Karen, We live in parallel universes. I also work to keep my schedule productive but not stress-inducing. I do yoga and meditation. I find nerves hit me harder as I get older. Oh well. Part of it comes with being a sensitive person. What can we do?

    • Lois Logan

    • 8 years ago

    Once again, you have hit the nail on the head. I am with you in so many of those situations!!

    While I was having Cay, I kept saying to myself, “It’s only pain…it’s only pain, let it be, don’t fight it…” Maybe I should be applying this to fear as well.

    Fantastic piece.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Lois, You and I definitely bond on the Nervous Nellie stuff. What can I say? We’re sensitive souls.

  4. Great post, Lois. Jury duty freaked me out and yeah, the case was dismissed before we even got started. But at my age, I know I’ll get called again. I’m not so fearful on planes, but I don’t like worrying that they will be delayed. When I lived in Iowa, anywhere I wanted to go, almost, I had to connect. 99% of the time I made the connection–thank God I cam good at running with a handbag and a smaller bay and reading airport signs!! Having people love my fiction is full of fear as I rewrite and rewrite and wonder if anyone will even read my stuff. But I know Gilbert would say PRESS ON. So I do. THANKS FOR THIS, Beth

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      I agree, Beth. Elizabeth Gilbert is a great teacher. I’m about to market my first novel so I’ll need all the inspiration from her I can get. Thanks for reading!

  5. I have much the same list of anxieties. I am (I think) basically a friendly person, but I’ve never been an outstandingly confident one, so I find speaking in public difficult. In a past job I had to do it every now and again and it always meant about three weeks of anxiety beforehand. Funnily enough, on the actual day, I usually found that if I could get through the first couple of minutes, I eventually seemed to run out of adrenalin and began to calm down.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Shoot, I forgot about public speaking. That’s also a neurosis of mine. Oh God, my list is growing.

  6. Yes, acknowledging fear can sometimes take away its bite. As humans we can’t eliminate fear, but I like the idea that we can learn to turn it into fuel.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Suzi, Yes, I found that technique does take away the bite of fear. Maybe in the end its about self-acceptance, not fighting who we are.

  7. I agree with half these fears

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      So glad people share even some of these neuroses. I thought I was the only one. Thanks for reading.

  8. Doctors’ offices. DOCTORS’ offices! OMG, talk about anxiety? Or any test site: MRI, ultrasound. I am a genetic neurotic, having surely inherited it from my mother.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Carol, You and I must be twins. I also have a nervous mother and doctor’s offices make me lose my mind. Have no idea why, but they do.

  9. I nodded in agreement with all of your fears, except the doctor’s office. So far I’m good there, especially since I’ve been a pharmaceutical representative. I don’t think I would like having an MRI. That would kick in some anxiety. However, the jury duty one had me too. I felt like I was a criminal! It was horrible and they were mean.

    I do agree that it’s ok to acknowledge our fears. That alone makes me feel better. Heck, everyone is probably fearful of something.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Lori, I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one. I’m not sure why the doctor’s office traumatizes me, but it does. As for an MRI, forget it. They’d have to knock me out for hours. Get claustrophobic just thinking about it. Thanks so much for reading!

  10. It was a tremendous epiphany for me when, at 46, I suddenly realized I could make fear my friend. I jettisoned all of the notions of pushing through it and on the other side of it lies freedom 🙂 and just learned to embrace my fear and dance with it.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      I agree, Carla. There’s no way around fear. Instead we must go through it to grow. Thanks so much for reading.

  11. I share nearly every one of these anxiety triggers with you!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Yay Sharon! So glad I’m not the only one. Thanks for reading.

  12. Neurotic since forever. Anxiety, fear, jitters, panic. Yep, I’ve got all these things. I’d add grocery store. Too many choices, packed aisles, too many mistakes in buying the wrong thing waiting to happen!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Hi Rosemond, Grocery store? Interesting. I can see that. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one with the others. Thanks for reading.

    1. I used to be like that in grocery stores too – until I worked in one and ever since then my panic subsided and on my days off, shopping doesn’t faze me any more.

        • Laurie Stone

        • 6 years ago

        Linda, Sometimes I think if I worked on a plane (where I’d be busy), I’d be fine. Its having too much time to think which gets the hamster wheel going. Maybe facing our fears is the best answer. Glad you can go into grocery stores again!

  13. Dentists – I always feel so violated and I’m waiting for them to tell me how many new fillings I need etc (the funny thing is I worked in the dental field for 15 years – it’s a lot easier being the one sitting behind the chair rather than the one lying in it waiting for the drill to descend) I also hate parties and small talk – give me one on one with a friend any day. I do try to ride the fear out these days but I still avoid it if I can (I’m a bit of chicken I’m afraid)

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Leanne, I also try and avoid fear, but recognize it when its there. The only good thing is it feels so good when it subsides.

  14. This was a really great post. Something I needed to read. On top of everything you listed, here’s another one for you…. I have two sons, 19 years old and 11 years old. I now have a newborn daughter. I’ve always wanted a daughter and I’m loving every minute of having her. But everyday I think about her being like the only child and not having someone closer to her age or a sister. And since I’m older now, I’m afraid of what will happen to her when I’m gone. I know these feelings are natural, but I shouldn’t be having them everyday.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Nakeya, Since your daughter is newborn, these are normal feelings. Your daughter will grow up and have lots of friends, not to mention uncles, aunts and cousins! They will all be with her, as will you. She’ll always be the cherished youngest — not to mention only daughter.

  15. Dentists do it for me. Ugh.
    “…clings to me like a crying toddler…” Hahahaha! Loved this.
    And sooo true!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Diane, Yes, dentists are another item on my long list of anxieties. Sigh. Life can be hard.

  16. Definitely small talk! Elevators aren’t my favorite, but I usually jump off it gets to full and I always stay near the front never the back. I just stay home!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Beth, With elevators, I’ve learned to stay toward the front on the side. Its hard to be a small female in this world. I’m glad I’m not the only one about small talk! At times its not bad. Other times its torturous.

    1. Elevators definitely do it for me! I NEVER want to be on those things alone, but I don’t like them to full either. My worst nightmare is getting stuck in an elevator.

        • Laurie Stone

        • 6 years ago

        Darlene, Getting stuck on an elevator would be scary, but being stuck on a full elevator would drive me insane. Too many people! Glad I’m not the only one.

  17. I love the conclusion that the issue is more the fear of the fear then fear itself! That’s what creates all the anticipatory dread and catastrophic thoughts. Sounds like a great book you read

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Melissa, I love “Big Magic.” Can’t recommend it enough.

  18. That is my favorite part of Big Magic, allow fear, but tell it to take a back seat. It doesn’t get a voice.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Jennifer, I love how Elizabeth Gilbert says how fear can’t choose the snacks or music along the way. Fear has to stay quiet in the backseat. Love that and its actually helped me.

  19. Airports (not aeroplanes though), large overheated indoor shopping centres or department stores, jury service, doctors/hospitals & underground trains can get me in a tizz with panic … I think it’s worse if somewhere is too warm and “airless” – a sort of claustrophobic feeling but small areas don’t bother me. Working on overcoming the feelings though! 😊 You’re not alone!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Linda, Yes, “airless and windowless” places really get me going. I have a hard time with those. Thank God I’m not alone with these. God, my list is getting embarrassing!

  20. Thank you for putting your vulnerabilities out there in the world. You never know how the ripples of this post may touch someone.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Connie, Thank you. I think more people are afraid than not these days.

  21. Lots of things make me break out in hives, but I’ve learned to push past the fears. And I overthink absolutely everything. Every. Thing. *sigh*

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Lisa, Me too! Maybe that’s what fear is all about, to an extent, over-thinking. Good way to put it, thank you.

  22. It’s okay to be afraid. This certainly changes my world. I worry about everything. Not like my mother could, she was a world-class worrier. I think neurotics like us are people with a vivid imagination. We can imagine all sorts of catastrophes. Fear is just there. All. The. Time.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Diane, So true about having good imaginations. As I’ve learned, our strengths are also our weaknesses. Our sensitivity is lovely, but can also make us feel too fragile in this very scary world.

  23. Laughed and nodded my way through this story. Although I am not a “jumpy rabbit,” I do have a worry list…

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Pamela, I’d love to have an ounce less neurosis, but I guess we’re all wired differently. I always admire the non-jumpy rabbits.

  24. Elevators are a trigger for me too. Another is walking in an airport or train station and feeling like everyone is walking towards you!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Lauren, Never thought about that. Just being in an airport terminal is enough for me, especially if a long flight is ahead. I don’t mind people walking toward me, especially if its after I’ve landed!

  25. […] It’s far better for us to acknowledge that we can struggle with anxiety, worry and perhaps depression, and learn to put these feelings in their proper place. A fellow blogger, Laurie Stone, talks about this eloquently in her post, How Can Us Neurotics Survive? […]

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Thank you so much! What a nice surprise.

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