1822336_stock-photo-two-women-hugging
1822336_stock-photo-two-women-hugging

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something, but the words never came?  Maybe you were embarrassed or got busy, but the moment didn’t arrive. And then it was too late. And you have regrets. This happened to me recently. Here are 6 things I wish I had told Joyce, my mother-in-law.

You amazed me– From the first moment my future husband Randy introduced us in the late 70’s, I was impressed by your style and glamour. I was a junior in college and you were forty-something, lounging on a chaise in your Connecticut backyard. I remember brown hair, long legs and coral-colored toenails.

I wasn’t surprised to learn you’d been Homecoming Queen in Texas. You were statuesque and beautiful, an exotic southern bird transferred to Yankee Connecticut through your husband’s career. You smiled, held out your hand. “I’m Joyce,” you said in your honeyed twang. Little did we know the long, sometimes rocky, journey that awaited us.

You taught me– As a young bride you showed me how to cook Steak with Brandy sauce, Chicken and Dumplings and Seafood soup with shrimp and scallops. You loved entertaining and set a beautiful table with individual salt and peppershakers and small, personal wine carafes.

You loved champagne and Pouilly-Fuissé white burgundy, yet weren’t above an occasional Kentucky Fried Chicken dinner or fast-food burger. In public you always wore full make-up and French manicures and dressed in the latest styles. You wore “Jungle Gardenia” perfume and whenever I catch that scent, I think of you.

You inspired me – You moved back to Houston in the 80’s and lived large. On birthdays and holidays you always sent Randy and me and our boys heaps of clothes, toys, books, a container of See’s candy and sometimes Texas barbecue.

You travelled and enjoyed theater, good restaurants, Bridge, and college football. You went to church each Sunday. You loved to make a big pot of chili for the Super Bowl and invite friends over. You were a devoted only child to your mother. You threw her a huge 80th birthday party where you stood with trembling voice giving a tribute that left not a dry eye in the house. I admired your courage.

You influenced me– You had tough times over the years, but they never kept you down. You forgave. You never stopped loving life. You cared for others. You always told me, “Helping people helps me, Laurie. That’s the only thing that keeps my spirits up sometimes.”

When you were voted one of Houston’s top 100 volunteers, I wasn’t surprised. You were always there to take dinner to an ailing neighbor or give words of comfort. You kept friends for years and decades. You loved animals and innocence and beauty. You avoided cruelty and conflict.   

You loved me– During the decades, sometimes we had smooth sailing. Sometimes there were bumps and tension. I’m an introverted New Englander. You were an outgoing Texan. We were both strong-willed women who like to control. Sometimes I wondered if you wished your son had married a nice southern girl, but if you did, you never let on.

If you were angry or depressed, you never showed it. When I was frustrated, I wasn’t always able to keep it inside. However, every time we said goodbye you remarked, “You make my son so happy.  I’m so glad you’re his wife.” You didn’t have to say those words, but you did.

You impressed me – Right up till the end you were brave and dignified. The last time I hugged you, at almost 85 years, I had to be careful because of the pain pack taped to your back. The cancer had spread.

We looked into each other’s eyes and I thought of that first moment we met almost 40 years back when you were that former Homecoming Queen and I that long-haired English major. Somehow over these years, we made it work, you and me, in our own way.

And now you’re gone. I want to believe you drifted off easy and somewhere George, your late husband, the love of your life, was waiting.  “Bootsy,” he’d say in his drawl, the nickname he gave you, the one he’d never tell what it meant.

I hope you found peace, Joyce. I hope you know how much I’ll miss you. I hope you know that I loved you.

I hope you understand how the words never came.

 

 

How do you feel about your mother-in-law?  Comments are always welcome.  Thank you for reading and sharing.

 

 

Comments(44)

  1. Beautiful tribute to Joyce, who sounds like a very special woman. I'm sorry for your loss.

  2. Thank you so much. She was a special woman.

  3. This is so lovely, Laurie. So sorry for your family's loss. 🙁

  4. Thanks so much, Karen.

  5. Beautiful tribute Laurie. Joyce would love it.
    Ann

    • Anonymous

    • 9 years ago

    Laurie, this is so wonderful, I'm sure your lovely mother in law knew many of your thoughts. What a beautiful piece. Lona

  6. This is a beautiful tribute to a woman who obviously had a positive, lasting impact on your life. You and she were lucky to know one another. I wish comfort and peace to your family during this difficult time of loss. Best, Karen

  7. Thanks so much, Ann.

  8. Lona, Thanks so much for reading.

  9. Thanks so much, Karen. I was lucky to have her in my life.

  10. This is so sweet. It is refreshing to hear someone speak positively about their in laws. I love mine very much as well. 🙂

  11. Thank you. I will admit, at times our relationship could be rocky but I realized as I got older, she was very special. Sometimes distance (and unfortunately losing someone) makes us realize what we had.

  12. I loved my mother-in-law very much, but there were years in our time together when it was hard to find her, she was lost in a cloud of alcohol. Not her fault. But late in her life she was sober and such a joy. The things that had hidden her vibrant spirit were gone and she talked about her life and shared such amazing stories. God bless her always. Thanks for your post.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Beth, Even the best MIL and DIL relationships can be tricky. I had a wonderful MIL but we still had our moments. I’m glad you and your MIL got along better in her later years. And wasn’t she strong to get out of alcohol’s grip?

  13. So very lovely. Thanks for sharing.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thank you for reading, Paula!

  14. She knew… Even though you didn’t say those words to her, she knew how you felt about her, and it’s clear she appreciated and loved you. You were blessed to have such a woman in your life, but then you know that. xo Brenda

  15. That was a beautiful tribute and you brought tears to my eyes. You were both lucky to have each other in your lives.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thanks so much, Jennifer. Like much of life, it took me a long time to realize what I had in her. With maturity comes perspective. Thank you for reading.

    • Laurie Stone

    • 8 years ago

    Thank you, Brenda. I think she did know.

  16. Oh Laurie-this is beautiful! What a special woman! And how lovely that you appreciated her. Good MIL/DIL relationships are sometimes hard to come by, it sounds like yours was a keeper! Thanks for sharing!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thank you, Karen. We definitely had our tension over the years but never harsh words. I give her a lot of credit for that since I was usually the more immature! Thanks for reading.

  17. I’ve just discovered your blog and im glad that I was able to start with this post. My mother in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few days before my daughter was born last august and passed away this January.

    She loved her family fiercely and although she initially had her issues when my husband and I started seeing each other (she was very attached to her son, a cultural thing) I greatly admired her love and dedication to her family.

    The might before she passed away I was able to hold her hand and thank her for being such a loving and caring grandmother to my children.

    It was actually her passing that inspired me to make some significant changes in my life, changes that I am still working on.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Wow, Rebecca, sounds like a blog post in the making for you. Your mother-in-law sounds like a wonderful woman and how nice you were able to let her know in the end. This relationship can be tricky (mine was sometimes) but in the end, there’s mutual admiration. We all have one big thing in common — we love our sons/husbands. And in the end, that’s what matters. Thanks so much for reading.

  18. With mother-in-laws the usual butt of derogatory caricatures, it was so wonderful to read your tribute to your mother-in-law. I, too, had a kind and caring mother-in-law and I make it my especial business to be a supportive and non-judgmental presence for my daughter-in-law, who I dearly love. She has a close relationship with her mother and i think that has helped her make room for me.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      I think we learn how to be mothers-in-law by watching the mother of our husband. Joyce and I had our moments, but looking back, she taught so much and I loved her more than I realized. Thanks for reading.

  19. Did not have a great relationship with mine. Lost both of my parents last year. So important to say things while we have the time. More often than not, I failed to do so. I live in Houston. Born & raised here so I am familiar with the whole Homecoming Queen/Southern thing! Beautiful tribute.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thank you so much, Cathy. So sorry about the loss of your parents. I lost my Dad a year ago. And you’re right. We need to say what we need to say, while our loved ones are still here.

  20. My MIL was a kind, busy person. Devoutly religious and an avid genealogist and quilter/crocheter. She loved her family dearly. She was a shy, rather introverted person. A fantastic cook and an endlessly patient grandmother. My kids adored her. I would like to have been closer to her, but she kept all of her DIL at a bit of a distance. That was okay because, though we weren’t bosom buddies, she was still kind and generous and thoughtful. A wonderful person.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Diane, She sounds like a nice lady. Maybe the distance thing was for the best. Sometimes, its true, familiarity breeds contempt, or at least annoyance.

  21. Beautiful.
    My husband’s parents both died before I met him. I do with I could have met them and I often wonder how our relationship would have been.
    My ex’s mother was a fine mother-in-law. She was kind and tried her best to accept me and make me feel at home.
    My own Mama and my husband are the best of buddies. I love that. I smile when I see them together and hear them discussing mutual interests.
    🙂 gwingal

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Nikki, That’s wonderful that your mom and husband get along. I’m happy to report the same in our household. Its too bad you didn’t get to know your in-laws. It can be a very special bonding. Its nice you had a good relationship with your ex’s mom. At least you had a good experience in that respect.

  22. Oh how I wish I’d had a mother-in-law like that, Laurie! Without a doubt… She loved you as well. What a special tribute you’ve given her with this piece, and a reminder for everyone to tell the people in our lives that we love them, even if it’s been decades, and we’ve never expressed it that simply. Just say, “Have I told you how much I love you?” xoxox, Brenda

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Brenda, Thank you. It wasn’t always an easy relationship (as those go), but we did love each other and I always respected her grace and courage.

  23. Wow, you’re so lucky. My MIL never really accepted me as a member of the family. We’re polar opposites, except that we both love her son. All of my efforts to reach out and connect were ignored, not because of me but because of her unloved life and her lack of interest in her own demons. I’m envious of you!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Shari, That’s very sad that a woman couldn’t accept or be nice to her own DIL. I’m sorry. I guess all you can do is rise above it and understand, which you have.

  24. It is beautiful. Wonderful to acknowledge what someone meant to you …anytime.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Carol, Thank you so much.

  25. Beautiful!
    Say those words now, Laurie! She can hear you!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Diane, You just give me chills. Nothing would surprise me.

  26. Your mother-in-law sounds like a person we should all want to be. What a lovely tribute.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Rebecca, Joyce was an amazing woman in many ways.

  27. Sometimes your words really take my breath away. Like now. I never knew my MIL. She died way before I met my husband and he didn’t care for my mom (his MIL). Trust me she knows how you felt. <3 Beautifully written Laurie.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Lauren, Thank you so much!

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