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I came upon my wedding picture recently, taken June 7th, 1980. My husband Randy and I were 23 years old. We knew nothing much except we loved each other. But looking at this young bride, I gave her kudos for one thing. She knew how to select a mate. To that end, I have 8 thoughts for any women out there not sure if their guy is husband material…

Pick a funny man – This is important. The first time I met Randy we were 19 and sitting in our college cafeteria. He made me laugh…a lot. That was my first impression of him. Almost 40 years later, he still makes me laugh… a lot. He’s always the funniest guy in the room. You’ll need this sense of humor. It will sweeten the good times and soften the bad.

Pick a sweet man– The first time Randy arrived for a date he gave me a little bouquet of yellow chrysanthemums. Decades later I still can’t see or smell these blooms without thinking of that day. Even now, Randy still brings me flowers. He knows how much I love having a fresh bouquet in my Connecticut kitchen. I love that he does that.

Pick a man who loves music – Our marriage has always had a great soundtrack. In college we’d drive around listening to Steely Dan’s “Aja” and the Who’s “Quadrophenia.”  Over the years Randy has filled my life with music he not only plays on his bass, but has turned me onto – Hendrix, Zappa, punk in the 80’s, Grunge in the 90’s, Outkast in the 2000’s, and of course, always the Beatles.

Pick a smart man – One of the things I love about our marriage is the snappy dialogue. Sometimes we’re Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant in “Bringing Up Baby” all fun, witty banter. Other times we’re Ralph and Alice Kramden from “The Honeymooners,” fast zingers and deadpan sarcasm. Sometimes the dialogue is from “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolff,” with George and Martha’s high, toxic melodrama. Whatever our mood and circumstance, we always have interesting conversations and that keeps life intriguing.

Pick a good man– While I can be prickly and snarky, Randy always takes the high road. He sees the best in people. He never holds a grudge. He’s sympathetic. He treats everyone with dignity and respect. From the Chairman of the Board to the taxi driver, Randy wants to know everyone’s story and could strike up a conversation with a mailbox. I wish I had his openness. I’m working on it.

Pick a strong man —For the past 35 years Randy’s risen countless mornings and gone to his corporate job with aching joints and a body that doesn’t always feel great. Some years he’s taken 100 business flights in every kind of weather. I’m always awed by his toughness and the skill needed to provide for a family year after year. What a great example to our two sons. What a great example to me.

Pick a passionate man – I’m not just talking the boudoir, although that’s also nice. But Randy has many other interests like music, wine, and alas…collecting. Anyone who’s read this blog knows my frustration enthusiasm when it comes to the newspaper, baseball card, political memorabilia, and coin collections. Oh well. Randy loves life. What can I say? Things could be worse. He could enjoy amassing snakes or antique surgical equipment.

Pick a good father – This is most important. A man can be many things, but if he’s not a good Dad, that’s a problem. I knew Randy would be a good father by the way he treated our first cat Floyd. (Full disclosure: I adopted Floyd to jumpstart Randy into wanting kids. It worked like a charm).I saw how much he loved this goofy feline and knew he’d be an affectionate, loving, patient father. I was right.

And that’s the list.  That’s what you look for in a husband. I got lucky. I found my best friend early in life and we got married and somehow kept it together.

Life isn’t perfect, but it’s always beautiful.

Decades later, that young bride is still happy.

 

Did I miss anything? What makes your marriage work?  Comments are always welcome and if you like, please share.  Thank you!

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Comments(34)

  1. I love this! When I was a young single woman I read a book about finding Mr. Right. I made a list of all the qualities I'd want in a mate and "sense of humor" was right there at the top. My #2 was that there had to be a bells and whistles sort of attraction. I definitely scored with my top 2! And I've always found that if someone has a good sense of humor, most of the other items on the list are met as well. A good humored person is usually intelligent and thoughtful and just someone you want to be around. Congratulations to you and Randy!

  2. Thanks so much, Karen. Sounds like we both got lucky in the husband department!

  3. Very wise and your choice was right on. Have a very loving anniversary and when you toast know that you're each toasting a very special person..

  4. Ann, So sweet. Thank you so much.

  5. Happy Anniversary to you both!! Your writing always brings us right to the heart of things…it's a beautiful tribute to both you and Randy.

  6. Lois, Thanks so much. You and Don can't be far behind. Miss you!

  7. I'm with you on all counts. My husband and I were married at 23, which even we will admit is too young for most folks. His ability to always take the high road, his laugh, and the little kindnesses are a huge part of why our marriage works. That and my ability to pick up his shoes.

  8. Don't get me started about shoe pick-up or any pick-up for that matter! Despite that stuff, we did get lucky marrying so young.

    • Anonymous

    • 9 years ago

    This is cute. I just celebrated my 2nd anniversary last Friday and my husband is all of these things. Sometimes it is scary with failing marriages around you and we are such an improbable couple. We would fail all of those "compatibility" tests. But after 2 years and a baby, I wouldn't change a thing.

  9. Sounds like you're just beginning, a fun time in a marriage. Despite failing "compatibility" tests, you have something going there. Keep it up and good luck!

    • Anonymous

    • 9 years ago

    I liked this column but how do you know ahead of time, if a prospective partner has those qualities? You don't…not definitively anyway…So you were really wise and also, lucky…I am happy for you both in your marriage and in the fact you found each other.

    • Anonymous

    • 9 years ago

    The self-congratulation here passed EMETIC light years back. Just FYI, Ms Stone: the twenty-three year old bride knew about as much as most twenty-three year olds know, which is nothing–and the fact that she *happens* still to be with a man she fell in love with at that age has nothing to do with 'knowing how to pick a mate' and everything to do with blind luck. It's nice that you're still married–but do stop flattering yourself.

  10. I don't think we can ever know ahead of time if someone is right. We were lucky. Most young marriages don't last. Thank you for your kind words.

  11. Gosh, this was meant to flatter my husband more than anything. You're right. Its mostly blind luck. I got lucky finding someone so young. I'm the first to admit that.

    • Anonymous

    • 9 years ago

    It is blind luck, along with two strong commitments to the relationship. Life happens, circumstances change and some relationships don't survive. My marriage ended around the 30-year mark due to my spouse's increasingly obvious mental illness, along with a steadfast unwillingness to acknowledge and address it. Still single. Be happy; make good choices

  12. I'm sorry about your spouse's mental illness. I know what a tough road that can be with a loved one. You're right. Life goes on whether single or married. Happiness can be found in any circumstance.

  13. Laurie, I came to your blog from a comment you left on the Wedding Toast article at the NYTimes. I'm so glad I did. My husband and I are marriage and family counselors and we do not often see marriages that last past the 15 year mark. Your story is truly uplifting. You made wise choices and married the man who showed himself to be a close companion with good character, and the rest is history.

  14. Thank you so much, Colleen. I think most of it was luck. At the ripe old age of 23, I believed he was the right guy. The rest as you say is history, plus more luck, plus lots of work! Thanks for reading.

    • Mike

    • 9 years ago

    I wish more women would take your advice! I'm 38 years old and single and I am everything on this list (fortunately, humble wasn't one of the qualities listed) and I have had such a hard time finding a mate. My last serious relationship was with a divorced woman wit h a toddler and I was the best step-dad to her child. Yet still she left me for a man 14 years younger than me (and 11 years younger than her). And other than her I've had no luck finding anyone else.

  15. Mike, You hang in there. You sound like a great man and the right woman is out there looking for you too! You'll find each other one of these days. I know it. Laurie

  16. I love this! And I’m happy to say, I could check every item on this list. We just celebrated our 34th anniversary 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Lynne, You’re not too far behind us, we’re 37 years. So happy you have a good husband. Happy anniversary!

  17. This is fabulous. At the risk of sounding boastful, I could swap the name Randy for my dear husband Frank of 30 years, and say much the same. We are blessed, you and I! Thanks for the reminder.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Lisa, Thanks so much. How funny, we both have Randys! And you’re right. We are blessed.

  18. Loved this, Laurie and agree on every single one. I, too was lucky to find my perfect man early in life. Almost to 42 years now. He is my ‘split-apart’ to quote Plato. Beautiful, beautiful man!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Diane, Wow, 42 years! That even beats us. All the best to you both.

  19. You just never know, but these are excellent points to look for in a long term relationship. I would add look at his family because you marry the guy you also marry the family.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Haralee, Good point. I’d say Randy was a by-product of a very wonderful family. I got lucky there.

  20. I didn’t do so well in the picking department the first time around. Sense of humor was high on my list and I thought I found it. I was wrong when I realized that his humor was mostly based on making fun of other people. We didn’t last. Now I’ve got my keeper. He’s funny and kind and good and wooed me with music…if you could call it that. Somehow we got on a subject where he reminded me that David Soul had a hit with “Don’t Give Up On Us” (baby.) Be still my heart, a funny man who remembers who sang what song.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Jennifer, Its unusual to find the love of your life at an early age. Sounds like you found him a tiny bit later, but he was worth the wait.

  21. The perfect treatise on marriage and men, Laurie! Intelligence was my number one. And humour. Like you, I lucked out by snagging all of the above! 45 and counting now.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Diane, 45 years? You don’t look old enough. Sounds like you have a great guy.

  22. This is an excellent list! My David has most of these qualities. It took us 39 years to become ready to meet again, so timing was crucial. God had a lot to do with that. The additional qualities that I appreciate in David are that, while our personalities are different, our values are similar, and he respects me.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      JoAnna, Good point. Randy and I couldn’t be more different in so many ways, but we share the big things. I believe God had a lot to do with you and David coming back together. How nice that you did.

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