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Dr. Christiane Northrup was on PBS recently–vivacious, intelligent, and fascinating as ever. She’s a wonderful role model, full of advice about growing older, especially for women. However, one thing she said perplexed me.

“Never tell people your age,” she advised her audience. “Don’t celebrate your birthdays, even the milestones. Society will foist cultural conditioning on you, starting as early as 30.”

I had to think about this.

Yes, there’s certainly cultural conditioning. Go to any Hollywood movie where you see sixty-something year-old actors romantically paired with women young enough to be their great-granddaughters. We women are constantly bombarded with the message that we’re only as good as our bodies. We’re taught to fear aging and the possible abandonment that comes with it.

I’m just not sure the answer is denying who we are.

And how can we hide our age? Unless you’re Halle Berry most of us look our years, give or take a few. You can declare you’re not stating your number, but for most of us, it’s evident. By not giving my age, I doubt anyone’s going to think I’m 25. And I’m okay with that. (*sniff*)

And if age shouldn’t matter as Dr. Northrup rightly claims, is the answer pretending it doesn’t exist? If it’s just a number, why not say it? Why not accept who we are and how far we’ve come?

Agelessness and goddesses, as she calls women, are nice fantasies. But in the end, we’re real women and do age and I don’t think that’s so bad. Milestone birthdays should be a source of pride. The climb may be daunting, but what an incredible view.

And doesn’t hiding age buy into the cultural conditioning we’re trying to avoid, that increasing years in women are bad, even shameful? Age is ever shifting, who we are at a certain moment.

I know women who are more youthful now than twenty years ago. I also know young women with tough lives, older than their years. And yes, there are more wrinkles and creaky joints past forty, but maybe that’s the price of being mortal and having the benefit of time.

I have no problem saying I’m 66. I’m proud of my age. I earned these years. I laughed and cried and wore out many a pair of high heels to get here. I find life as exciting, probably more so, than I did in my angst-ridden twenties. The strangest thing is although I look different outside…I feel no different inside.

My grandmother Nana never talked about getting on in years till she lived in a Ft. Lauderdale nursing home at 95. “Who are all these old people?” she kept asking of her fellow residents.

Up till then, Nana was always comfortable with her years. “Look at these legs,” she’d say to me, posing showgirl style. “Not bad for a 75-year-old.” Nana was proud of herself at every mile, radiating self-acceptance, and well into her eighties always had great zest for life.

In the end, I guess it’s personal. Some women don’t give their age like we don’t give our weight or shoe size. And I get that. To tell or not to tell is a choice. But there’s something freeing in saying this is who I am, take it or leave it… like men do.

I hope someday Dr. Northrup rethinks the age thing, especially about celebrating birthdays. She’s a cool, pretty, intelligent woman. Knowing her number won’t change that.

 

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Comments(52)

  1. Well said. Society can only foist on us what we'll accept, Older women have so much going for them that making a fuss over age would be silly.

  2. I agree, Ann. Self-acceptance is the best revenge.

  3. I am with you! I have never hidden my age, nor have I been ashamed of it. I am a better, happier person in my 40s than I ever could have dreamed of being in my 20s. I have a knowledge and a confidence that I find attractive in myself, and that is far more important than what might be seen on the outside. I hope to be like your Nana…she sounds like a great role model!

  4. Nana was a great model. I owe a lot of my age-confidence to her.

  5. Totally agree with you. Being the younger sibling, maybe this is where I got how I always feel like I'm the youngest one in the room, whether it's true or not. I'm shocked sometimes to realize the kids today probably think I'm an old lady. I'm still me though (but thankfully with a little more maturity).

  6. I think we're always the same inside. That's why if you're young at heart, its hard to think of yourself as old.

  7. I’m entirely with you. I am 46. I definitely look 46. I feel about 12 or 15 on the inside 🙂 I don’t care who knows my age. I am not trying to hide it.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      I love that, Carla. I think we all feel young inside. Maybe that’s the key to staying youthful.

  8. I agree with YOU. When I saw the title I was like … oooh … and then reading what you said she shared? Hmph. No thanks. Why hide it?

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      I agree Andrea. Hiding our age seems to be feeding into the very prejudice we’re trying to avoid.

  9. This is beautiful! I’m 47 and am proud to say it. The older I get, the more I embrace my age. Your Nana has a good thing young there. She’s definitely one to admire.

    Women should hide their age. Just no sense in it imo.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Brenda, I never saw the point of hiding our age. Its who we are. I agree, Nana did have a good thing going. Miss her. Thanks for reading.

      1. Our age is not who we are….no way.. not all of who we are.i dont think i want to celebrate so called milestones because i feel ashamed about what i dont have.say what you like society judges and when you say your age you are then at risk of ageism in employment and dating.only my doctor bank and HMRC …uk tax….know.i think it is hard being a woman and growing older and if iwant ti lie i will

          • Laurie Stone

          • 4 years ago

          Catty, I agree that ageism hits women much harder than men. Its a fact of life, unfortunately.

  10. I love my age. I love it. I have more fun now than I ever did. I don’t even mind the gray or the wrinkles.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      So happy to hear that Michelle. I’m totally with you. I get mad at girlfriends when they start listing all their “old” flaws. I say enjoy each stage of life, including the later ones.

  11. I totally agree with you, Laurie. I am very proud of my age. I will be 63 next month! I had a dear friend/mentor who taught me to make every single day of my life – my birthday. That way I would celebrate myself every day – instead of just once a year. I try to live by that. My father passed away very young………….I feel blessed to be able to age.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Good point, Ellen. I never understand people who complain about their age, most of them being given a long, full life. I feel like they’re missing the big picture. Thank you for reading.

  12. Dr. Northrup was my GP when I lived in Vermont. She is a delight. I agree with you on this one though. Lets embrace our age and change cultural norms. Being outspoken and living large is the best way to do it.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Wow, Anna, that’s very cool about Dr. N. being your GP. Yes, I’m surprised she would take such a strange stance on aging. Still like and respect her, though. Thanks for reading.

  13. I don’t flaunt my age, but I don’t hide it either. I look a lot younger than I am, and sometimes that works to my advantage. There is age discrimination and there are times when I have felt invisible in a room full of younger people. It is probably something I put on myself.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Michele, I’m the same way. I’m neutral about age. I love people of all ages, and try and accept myself wherever I am on the journey. Thank you for reading.

  14. Hi Laurie! I saw that same show on PBS and felt the same as you. I think she has a lot to share with women our age (I’m 61) but I completely disagreed with her assessment not to tell her age. I got the impression that “looking young” was far more important to her than it is to me so maybe it’s that. Some women are extremely attached to their appearance and that makes it really hard for them to see themselves as older. While I realize that I looked younger when I was younger 🙂 I have always thought my mind and my personality were far more important. When looks lessen in importance, then age really doesn’t matter as much. ~Kathy

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Good point, Kathy. If its all about looks, then you’re right, its all about age. When our inner depths take center stage, then age recedes as an issue. Great thoughts and thanks so much for reading.

  15. I’m almost 53. Grandma to 5. 3rd level black prajioud in Muay Thai kickboxing. Yoga teacher. Bestselling author. I can put you into a state of deep relaxation or break your ribs

    I love being almost 53 and don’t care what anyone else thinks of a woman in the middle of her aging.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Peggy, You have a full, amazing life. Age will never hold you back. I can see that from here. Thanks so much for reading.

  16. Age is a funny thing for many to admit. I like to celebrate milestones and my birthday in general. My favorite SIL adds years so people always, always say she looks so great for her age. The age qualifier complements like that do irk me but what can you say, we aren’t 20 any longer!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Your SIL is so funny! I never heard of that. Maybe I’ll start telling people I’m 90.

    • Liz

    • 6 years ago

    I think you should decide on a case-by-case basis. If you really want the job and think your age will hurt your chances, why not stay silent until after the offer and acceptance? You can prove that age isn’t an issue after you get the job. But if you’re in a position to bust stereotypes, shout it from the top of your lungs.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Good way to think of it, Liz. I agree, it depends on the situation. Why make it an issue if it isn’t, especially when it comes to employment.

  17. I disagree with her theory. I always tell my age–often before someone starts with the assumption I don’t want to talk about it. I figure by telling my age that I OWN it and I define it. If I play coy or worry then I’m somehow complicit in saying age is problematic–as I see it.
    I”m 63.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Walker, I’m now 61 and must say, these years are so much better than I thought they could ever be. Like you, I could care less about about telling my age with whoever wants to know. For me, its a point of pride.

  18. I tell people my age – I find it hard to believe I am as old as I actually am at times though. I get a little bit sad when I see women trying to hold on to their 30’s when they could so easily be celebrating this age and stage and enjoying allowing themselves a little bit of slack!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Leanne, I agree. Inside, I feel no different. Maybe that’s what really matters. I also think the outside reflects the inside.

  19. My mother used to lie about her age, including TO DOCTORS. I never understood that, and I’m surprised that Chris Northrup does it. But then, she’s had a lot of plastic surgery (I see her around town periodically, as she lives nearby) and it seems her approach to aging is different than mine. I’m proud that I’m 62 and healthy and am proud of how taking care of myself has paid off. Different strokes, I guess, but I don’t see how you can be happy without accepting the natural aging process.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Shari, I agree about being okay with our age. I never understand not telling it. Your mom is a brave woman not telling doctors, but I guess its a personal decision.

  20. Hide our age? That’s ridiculous. I’m 56 and have a 76-year-old sister who also doesn’t mind telling anyone how old she is. Her husband, who is 10 years younger, will even tell people she’s almost 77. He always puts her up to the next year to see people’s reactions.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Jennifer, I find people who aren’t caught up in their age seem “younger” than those obsessed by it. Your sister sounds like one of those people!

  21. I’m so proud of my age, my wrinkles and every gray hair. I’ve earned every one! (Mom always told us to smile. it was the quickest face-lift.)

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Diane, I like your mom’s attitude and couldn’t agree more about smiling.

  22. Definitely makes ya think, Laurie! Age is but I number is what I always say. I’m creeping up on 50 in less than 4 months and I am tickled pink! My gf’s that turned before me acted as though it was a death sentence. I just don’t get. I love the fact you embrace your age as I think everyone woman/man should. Our age shouldn’t define us. If anyone asks, I proudly tell them.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Bren, As your girlfriends will discover, 40 is so very young! Of course, its all relative. I’m sure I thought the same thing at their age.

    • Jane

    • 5 years ago

    Thank you for this thoughtful and well-written piece! I love the way you described your Nana celebrating herself at various stages of her life. I believe that’s what we should be doing as well, more than denying that age exists at all. I searched for a rebuttal to Dr. Northrup’s “don’t tell anyone your age!” (I listen to her on Hay House radio occasionally) because I recently joined a dating site and had a man lie to me about his age. I’m in my mid-thirties and hoping to have another child if I meet the right person and he stated himself as being 42 and possibly wanting more kid’s someday too. I’m very healthy, and very fertile still (no sign of perimenopause), and I know men can stay vital for a bit longer than women so I was fine with the age difference. Come to find out after doing a google search, that he’s closer to 50. When I asked about it he said: “I never give my real age to websites”. This is misleading in many different ways and lying about important info. Embrace your age people! Own it! If you don’t like the way you look or feel, CHANGE your lifestyle/habits (or go to therapy)! I too am someone who’s very proud of her age and the journey that I’ve been on and the growth I’ve had as a person that has happened over this short time. I look forward to many more amazing years to come and I’m so thankful to have a kick-ass role model to lead the way: my very ageless 67-year-old momma, who rocks every-single-one of those years and looks damn good doing it (without plastic surgery/enhancements).

    Thank you again, Laurie! This is exactly what I needed to read regarding this topic.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Jane, So happy you liked this. Like everything in life, attitude is everything as we get older.

  23. Laurie, By hiding our age we’re buying into the self-talk that says there’s something wrong with aging, that our “use by” date is long past us and we should be ashamed. I was 70 in June, and I’m grateful to still be here. Far too many of those days were hard earned… actually they were brutal in ways you can’t imagine… so I won’t deny that I survived them all and I’m still standing. xoxox, Brenda

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Brenda, I always find you a cool, inspirational woman. Surprised to hear you’re 70! You look ten years younger. That said, I totally agree about the “mum about the age” thing. It seems silly.

  24. It’s just a demographic factor– I always say it. Once, back in my 30s, I was dating someone much younger and I lied about it and got caught. Yes, my young stupidity! THAT was a mess! So no lies!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Carol, And here you were young in your 30’s! Its always relative.

  25. I don’t tell my age because it’s nobody’s damn business but my husband’s and doctor’s! I’m not ashamed, I just don’t think it should define me. I am middle age.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Lauren, A personal choice and all the power to you!

  26. I’m totally happy being me. I had my youth. I had my teenage years, my young adulthood. Twenties thru sixties. Each decade added to me. I wouldn’t subtract a single one!
    I totally agree with you, Laurie! Be proud of where you’ve come and every year that got you there!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Diane, Why am I not surprised you’d have a very healthy approach to aging? Self-acceptance is everything.

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