doctor-medical-medicine-health-42273

Today I had my annual eye exam, the least intrusive of all check-ups.  (Yes, I rank them).  But even this once benign routine has turned high-tech and threatening.

What used to be a quick look to see if I need stronger contacts now involves a strange, whirring machine inspecting deep inside my retina.  What used to be easy now has me biting my lip and sweating as I watch my physician carefully scan each dot and spot on the x-ray.

You’d think my doctor phobia would have lessened over the years, but its worse.

Forget about waiting for mammogram results, blood work, or bone density tests.  Forget about the most intrusive of them all –the gynecological exam or God forbid, the colonoscopy.  Forget having even my blood pressure taken or pulse measured, or EKG’s.

I’m a wreck.

I’ve asked myself a million times, what am I really afraid of?  Of being sick?  Of hospitals?  Of being put in the medical system, a slave to appointments and procedures and tests?  Am I afraid of getting older?  Of death?

I guess the answer is yes, to all.   And it’s because of this high anxiety I put off visits.

I cancel appointments.  When I finally succumb, I obsess for days, sometimes weeks.  I finally go, but I’m reluctant and skittish.

I divide the visit into parts, which calms me a little.

There’s the drive over, the waiting room, the call from the nurse to enter, sitting in the examining room (the most anxious, heart-pounding part), the knock on the door, the doctor entering, the questions, and the exam.  There’s the possibility of more tests, more exams.  Something will go wrong.

I’ll never escape the system.  I get so nervous nurses have told me to take deep breaths.  My doctor says I have the worst case of white coat syndrome he’s ever seen.

The strange thing is I’ve enjoyed decent health all my life (knock on wood) with only a few bumps here and there.  I have friends who’ve gone through life-threatening illness with more pluck and courage than I’ll ever muster.

And for the most part, I like doctors.  They’re kind and sympathetic. Over the decades they’ve morphed from wise, older physicians to my peers and more and more to bright young people.  I think of them as the bookish, smart kids who liked organic chemistry.

And yet…I don’t like how they know more about me than I do.

I don’t like how they’re the gatekeepers to my body, the interpreters to what’s going on deep inside.  I don’t like how they know what my organs need better than I do.  If knowledge is power, they hold all the cards.  And even though well meaning, this makes me feel weak, out of control, and even childlike.

The logical part of me knows the medical knowledge I’ve gathered has helped and no doubt, made me healthier.  Still, it’s the not knowing, the what-could-happen that haunts me.

Although I’ll never be one of these fearful people who go years without getting examined, I wish I was one of those lucky souls who take life (and medical exams) as it comes.  I wish I could be brave and fatalistic.

Instead I’m stuck doing my best and dividing each doctor visit into parts.

 

 

Does going to the doctor give you the vapors? Comments are always welcome.

 

If you’d like to receive posts by email, just click here.

Comments(42)

  1. I am a doctor with a doctor phobia because I have recurrent retinal detachment (amongst other things). I can with reasonable certainty assure you that being a doctor makes my phobia 10x worse. I know, word for word, exactly what you are talking about.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Wow! I thought doctors were super-beings who had perfect health and never a vulnerable moment. At least that’s what I’ve built up in my mind. It helps to know they’re also human. Thank you.

  2. Mine has gotten worse with age, too. I used to never worry about it but now? Yikes.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      I have always found it nerve-wracking. I don’t like people touching me, looking for problems. Shiver.

  3. I am a nurse with a medical system phobia, Laurie, so I can relate. I have gotten more reserved about handing over my body for analysis as the years have passed. My primary care provider at this point in my life is a wonderful acupuncturist and I turn to her more and more for my health issues with wonderful results. Doesn’t mean I don’t have a marvelous doctor who I trust and who partners with me on the western medicine team but I am a minimalist when it comes to invasive testing and imaging. The evidence does not support an annual physical exam and unfortunately the medical system will probably not do away with it in my lifetime. Trust your gut! You are right on track.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Molly, Wow, its wonderful to hear a medical person say this. I love the term ‘minimalist’ when it comes to physical exams. I never understand people who are always in and out of the doctor’s office, mostly with small things. That would drive me crazy. Thanks so much.

  4. Haha….I’m not there all the time, but when I do go to the Doctor’s office I’m the one who agrees to every intern, student, etc. I want to help out, but it’s starting to give me a complex.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Forgot to mention that! Interns and people “witnessing” make me really nervous. Its bad enough with just a doctor, let alone a room full of people seeing how paranoid I am.

  5. Oh, Laurie, you and I should never be allowed in a medical facility at the same time–our joint anxiety might bring the whole place down. I’m a terrible–or actually a very good–hypochondriac and when the doctor greets me with “How are you?” the first thing I think is “Why are you asking that? What do you know that you’re not telling me?” My wildly inaccurate diagnoses are legendary. I leave the exam from every one of my doctors with the same instructions: “Don’t read anything on the internet!”

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Lee, I’m beginning to think we’re twins separated at birth. We’re so much alike! I’m laughing in hysterics at your comment. I think my doctor sees me coming and runs.

  6. Laurie, I loved this and so relate. I’ve postponed my eye doc appointment three times and am forcing myself to go on Monday. Wonderful essay!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Candy, Yes! Its not just me. Bless you and thanks for reading.

    • Sue

    • 8 years ago

    I’m afraid of the Dentist Laurie and always have been. I can’t stand the noise of the drill whirring away at high pitch. At least you are overcoming your fear and keeping up the health checks which are so important. Does your Dr not give you a sweet for being a good patient at the end of the visit?:)

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Sue, I like the idea of a sweet at the end, but escaping to my car is my best reward. I totally get the dentist thing and even the sound of that drill gives me the willies!

  7. I’m a dental therapist that hates going to the dentist. I also only go to the doctor when I’m sick and now I work for a surgeon! I think I have avoidance issues too 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Leanne, Interesting how many medical people say they also fear the doctor. I would think they’d be fine with it. Maybe its a human thing. It makes us all feel vulnerable.

  8. I’m not actually too bad with doctors, for the most part, as long as no one is trying to take blood or insert a canula (have had bad experiences), but I’ve always been nervous with opticians as very squeamish about eyes.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      I think with me, its the what-if? I don’t like people examining me, looking for problems. The whole thing makes me squeamish!

  9. This is a really thought-provoking post, Laurie, please drop by my blog party https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/04/06/the-wonder-of-you/ and leave this post and more, so others can find you. Hope this week treats you kindly. Off to share. 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Donna, Thanks so much! Will definitely check out your blog party.

  10. I love this. I appreciate your braveness and coming forward and sharing it. Because I know the bottom line is if doctors aren’t our fear – – we all have a fear. It’s the great equalizer of humanity

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Carla, I agree when you say fear is the great equalizer. I always feel better when I face my fears, rather than let them define me.

  11. You’re definitely not alone. Doctors and dentists give me anxiety, too. For no reason!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Rachel, I’m always afraid they’re going to find some horrible, life-changing thing! Can’t help it.

    • ~B

    • 7 years ago

    I dont like going to the doctor’s much…. I think they almost always find something wrong with you, or some are just without scruples like that you go for a routine check up and end up requiring expensive tests scans and even surgery…….
    ~B

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      B, Yes! Getting goose bumps just thinking of that.

    • Pia

    • 7 years ago

    Have your eye doctor show you a 3D picture of a retina with real problems. Then have the doctor show you yours. For some reason that took some fear of all doctor’s visits away. I’m going to ask for a copy of mine and frame it as it will make a great print people will love!
    But I just had my first surgery, not counting dental surgeries which were always walks in the park to me. The surgery–totally elective (sorta)–eyelid surgery was a month ago today. My eyes are still itchy and in parts still swollen. But from my nose up I look like I did 15 years ago so I’m happy

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Pia, Any surgery sounds very daunting. I’m glad your eyelid procedure worked out. Lots of people have done that and are very happy.

  12. I am lucky that I don’t usually worry about doctor visits, but if there is one I am nervous about I ask a friend to come with me. That way at least I am distracted before and after! Good luck to you!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Shari, That’s a good idea, taking a friend along. Its so ridiculous, this phobia, but true.

  13. Kindred souls with the eye doctor. I cringe when the glaucoma puff test occurs. The drops and flipping the lids, gives me the heeby geebies EVERY TIME!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Haralee, The eye exam has become very complicated and “revealing.” Now they also take blood pressure! Yikes.

  14. I hate going to the doctor but it seems as if the older we get the more we require their services. Now, my husband, is a different story he passes out at the sight of needles or blood.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Rena, Ironically, getting blood drawn doesn’t faze me. I also have a good friend (male) who passes out at blood. We all have our weak spots.

  15. Doctors, I’m okay. But dentists?! Yikes!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Diane, God, I’m awful at both. Its really a curse.

  16. i totally get it! In fact, I’ve had the exact same experience as i get older. I am a total chicken and an absolute wreck. Thanks for putting words to what I thought was just my own weird issue. Great post.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Oh thank God. I’m not alone. Maggie, so glad to hear someone’s as bad as me. Its a relief. Maybe someday we’ll both get over our phobias. At least, we can hope.

  17. I am a doctor’s daughter. I never had any fear until my mother went through her final illness… And every time she had a test there was something else . Now, Being older I fear the same. I hate going to the doctor. took everything I had to get my annual mammogram this week

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Carol, I believe it takes great bravery to get a mammogram. I always give a silent blessing to all the women in the waiting room.

  18. I’m not afraid of doctors, but I am afraid of the mailbox so I totally understand

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Donna, You’re lucky. I wish I wasn’t afraid of doctors.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *